Gaijin Apocalypse Starts: Babies Eaten Nationwide

Terror struck Japan yesterday as the long-feared 'Gaijin Apocalypse' began, with foreigners across the nation grabbing and eating babies to satisfy their insatiable foreign thirst for baby flesh.

Some gaijin have been captured alive, and have spoken about their depraved non-Japanese actions to the media. "I just couldn't help it," said Mark Redditch, 26, a recruiter based in Saitama, fresh blood still dripping from his chin. "I was just riding on the train back from work, then my true foreign nature suddenly took me over, and I felt compelled to grab and eat the first baby I saw."

A gaijin eating a baby yesterday

These shocking events have come as no surprise to some local observers. Gunma-based blogger Shinta Ishibara, 56, said, "I've been writing for years that it was inevitable that foreigners would one day embark on an orgy of baby-eating, but the liberal do-gooders just wouldn't listen. I hope the sight of baby-crazed gaijin gnawing on babies' tender arms makes them think twice."

A state of emergency has been declared, and families are advised to stay indoors as hordes of marauding baby-eating gaijin roam the streets. The Self-Defence Force have been deployed to maternity hospitals and pre-schools, with instructions to shoot on sight anyone who looks a bit foreign.

First Cats, Then Rabbits, Now Gaijin Cafe to Open

Following the success of cat cafes, owl cafes and rabbit cafes, Tokyo's first "gaijin cafe" is to open tomorrow in Shibuya. Customers will be able to enjoy drinks, snacks and light meals while interacting with tame gaijin, or just watching them at play.

Owner Haruka Watabe is confident that the venture will be a success. "I can guarantee a safe and relaxing experience for customers at Happy Gaijin House," she said at yesterday's opening party. "Our gaijin have been selected carefully and trained to be comfortable around Japanese people, and customers will be free to have as much or as little direct contact as they want."

Asked about ethical concerns, she said "We're absolutely committed to the wellbeing of our gaijin. They'll be provided with spacious living quarters, and a special diet to ensure they're content and well fed."

There's already a good deal of interest in the cafe. Housewife Kana Watanabe, 33, said "I'm planning to take my four-year-old daughter there, so she can see how cute gaijin are in real life, and maybe even touch one." Junior manager Tatsuya Mochizuki, 45, told us, "I'll probably go there after work sometime. After a ten-hour work day, it'll be relaxing to see their happy little faces as they frolic with their toys."

Watabe is hoping that customers will not only have fun with gaijin, however, but will also come to see them differently. "Through contact with the gaijin, I hope people will recognise that they all have their own individual personalities," she said. "Then they can learn to respect them as the unique creatures that they are."

Japan Olympic Committee Celebrates 600% Budget Overshoot

Cheers rang around the offices of the Japan Olympic Committee yesterday, when it was announced that the cost of hosting the 2020 Tokyo Olympic games would exceed the initially stated budget by only 600%.

A spokesman for the JOC told a press conference, "We're very pleased at having been able to keep costs so low. Our initial plans allowed for an overshoot of up to 900%, so we're actually 50% within target, a splendid achievement."

As a reward for this restraint in spending, the JOC executive will be embarking on a chartered three-week Caribbean cruise, along with their families and those of the heads of the construction companies and yakuza syndicates providing infrastructure for the games. The cruise will feature 24-hour cabaret, a swimming pool filled with champagne and scattered with orchid leaves and ostrich feathers, and a casino funded entirely by Tokyo residents' tax.

Santa Isn't Coming to Town: Detained on Arrival as "Naughty/Nice" List Faces Scrutiny

Lapland toy distributor Santa Claus has been detained by officials at Narita Airport after attempting to enter Japan with what they say is suspect paperwork. The move is likely to disrupt Santa's schedule, causing delays to present deliveries planned for countries around the world.

A spokesman for the Immigration Bureau said, "While Santa's passport and visa waiver are in order, his list of naughty children is problematic. Japanese children are genetically incapable of being naughty, so to label them as such is a clear violation of their human rights."

Santa in detention yesterday

Santa's lawyer quickly issued a statement criticising the move. "My client and his team put significant effort into researching the list," it said, "then he checked it twice. And anyone who thinks Japanese children can't be naughty should meet my two little shits."

Santa is likely to remain in custody while officials check through the list of 22 million children for foreign names, as they may have been miscategorised as nice.

Saitama Man Marries Company

In the first ceremony of its kind, a company employee in Saitama yesterday officially married the company for which he works. Following the wedding, he has taken the company's name, and no longer needs to renew his contract annually.

"I'm very happy," said Mr Happy Flowers Auto Insurers. "I was a bit surprised when the pastor said 'I now pronounce you company and wife', though, because in a Japanese marriage it's usually the wife who controls the finances."

His family also approve of the match. "He spends all his time there anyway," said his mother, "and his work is all he ever talks about. He's clearly besotted."

This may not be the last such ceremony. "We're considering a Moonie-style mass wedding for all our single employees," said company spokesman Kenichi Happy Flowers Auto Insurers. "We're also offering a special bonus to any married employees who choose to divorce and remarry into the company. And of course, all company wives will be able to use their paid vacation allowance to spend their honeymoons at the office."

Santa to Relocate to Japan

After completing this year's toy production, Santa has announced that from next year his manufacturing plants and distribution base will be relocated to Japan. He has already acquired a site in Hokkaido, and plans to become fully operational from March.

Speaking from his Lapland home, Santa told In Other News, "This has been forced on me by the global economic climate. European labour law makes it difficult to reduce costs, but in Japan I'll be able to exploit and abuse workers by coercion, bullying, and using the "foreign trainee" program."

Officials in Japan are delighted with the news. Trade Minister Nobaho Nao said, "This is exactly the kind of inward investment we hope to attract. Becoming home to such a prestigious multinational brand will make the electorate think we're doing a good job, without us having to actually do anything."

Tojo's Spirit Appointed to Cabinet

As part of a cabinet reshuffle yesterday, the spirit of deceased wartime leader Hideki Tojo was appointed Minister for Foreign Affairs. This is the first time that a minister has been appointed after his death, a move which has raised eyebrows both at home and overseas.

Government spokesman Haruka Mikaze defended the move, saying "Critics simply have no understanding of Japanese culture. Our ancestors may no longer be with us in body, but they still have an important part to play in formulating policy. We're looking forward to Minister Tojo's contribution to the debate on our national security."

Speaking from his home in Yasukuni Shrine through a ouija-board operated by the Chief Cabinet Secretary, Minister Tojo said, "I'm delighted to have been chosen for this position, and I'll do my best to carry out my duties honourably. I fully intend to build on current policy, ensuring that Japan's overseas relations become as good as they were during my previous spell in office."

Minister Tojo will attend cabinet meetings and parliamentary debates in non-corporeal form, and is expected to be an ever-present. His first task will be to vote on a bill allowing foreign nationals to hold cabinet posts, paving the way for the Ministry of Land, Transport and Infrastructure to be led by Benito Mussolini.