Deadline Looms For Citizens' Summer Uniform Return

The Department of Citizen Apparel (DCA) has reminded citizens of Japan that the deadline for returning their government-issued summer uniform is midnight on October 31.

After this date, anyone found wearing a white shirt with dark horizontal stripes will be subject to an on-the-spot fine of JPY10000.

DCA spokesman Mina Onaji said, "It's important for the maintenance of Japanese culture that all citizens dress the same, in accordance with the changing seasons."

Three citizens in their summer uniforms yesterday

A list of approved autumn colours and styles is available from the DAC website. The season police will be making extra patrols during November to ensure that the citizenry is complying.

Certification Introduced for Gaijin-Botherers

A system of official certification has been introduced for Japanese citizens who wish to pester foreigners for English practice and conversation. Regular training courses and examinations will be held starting next month, and only those with certificates will be permitted to engage in the harassment of foreigners.

There will be three grades of certificate:

• Bronze certificate holders will be able to engage in simple conversation about the weather, sightseeing, and the foreigners' home countries;
• the Silver certificate will allow discussion of current affairs and widely held tiresome stereotypes, such as British peoples' addictions to fish and chips and The Beatles
• those with the Gold certificate will be able to engage in complex interactions, including passive-aggressive comments about selfish foreigners refusing to help Japanese people

Outlining the system at a press conference yesterday, Cultural Agency spokesman Eigo Hara said, "Our intention is to provide a more satisfying experience for everyone involved. Certificate holders will feel more confident in their ability to make unsolicited approaches to foreigners, who in turn will appreciate the effort put in to make the claim on their time."

A Japanese person asking for English practice yesterday

The news has received a cautious welcome from English learners in Japan. "I'm looking forward to receiving my certificate," said Saitama salaryman Takashi Takashima, "but I worry whether the foreigners might tire of hearing the same questions from everyone at the lower levels."

Anticipating demand, a number of English conversation schools have already launched courses to prepare students for the certification exams. Bernovane director of studies Daisuki Okane told In Other News, "Like the government, we see these certificates as a good way of extracting money from the public. Costs to us will be low, because our teachers are already well used to exactly these conversations."