Teams for Two: Japanese Baseball League to Reduce from Twelve Teams to Two

The Japan Baseball Federation has announced that from 2014, the number of professional baseball teams will be reduced from twelve to two. This will be achieved by mergers of the six teams making up each of the Central and Pacific Leagues, to leave two teams who will play each other 140 times a year to determine the championship.

At a press conference yesterday, Oyaji Nobaka of the JBF explained the reasoning behind the move. "Projections show that by 2050, the population of Japan will decline to 80 million," he said. "This is obviously far too small to support such a huge number of teams, so we`ve had to make this decision to secure the future of the sport."

However, fans across Japan are unhappy with the proposal. "It`s not going to be the same," complained Yakyu Otaku, a fan in Tokyo. "I`m going to miss the variety of all the many different team uniforms and players. I always change allegiance every year and become a fan of the champions, but now I might have to support the same team for more than one year."

Despite this reception from fans such as Otaku, Nobaka is confident that fans will come to accept the new format. "It may be difficult at first," he said, "but to provide some continuity for fans, we will be retaining the teams` names. I`m sure they`ll be there in their thousands to cheer on the Pacific GoldenHawkLionMarineBuffaloFighters and the Central GianStarTigerDragonSwallowCarps."

Japanese Man Witnesses Mystery of Foreigners` `Beer Ceremony`

In an exclusive interview with In Other News, Tokyo resident Masumu Yusehara has told of how he was able to witness a group of foreigners performing their ancient traditional `Beer Ceremony`.

“I was at The Hubgublers British Pub in Roppongi,” he recalled. “I`d just gone for a drink with some colleagues after work. I had no idea that this ritual was going to be taking place.”

According to research by cultural anthropologists at Tokyo Ushiunko University, this `Beer Ceremony` can take a number of forms. It appears that Yusehara witnessed what is known as a `round`.

“First, the group of foreigners nominated one of the group to approach the serving altar,” he recounted. “The serving master poured the beer in the same way as his ancestors did hundreds of years ago, and I could feel the centuries of tradition in the way he set the beer down reverently on the altar surface.

“After that, the nominated one made an offering to the master, then carried the beer back to the group, careful not to spill a single drop of the precious nectar. Finally, the group tapped their glasses together, then they all drank simultaneously, an action deeply symbolic of their foreign cultural oneness. I feel privileged to have been able to experience this ceremony in an authentic setting.”

Inspired by what he saw, Yusehara plans to travel to England to gain deeper understanding of the profound cultural symbolism of the ceremony. He hopes also to be able to witness the `Curry Ceremony`, the `Kebab Ceremony` and the `Fight Ceremony.`

Contagious Foreigners to be Quarantined

The Justice Ministry has announced that from next month, sick foreigners are to be barred from entering Japan. Immigration officials will administer a brief health test to non-Japanese citizens on arrival, and any found to be carrying contagious diseases such as colds or influenza will be detained in quarantine for a minimum of one week.

Ministry spokesman Kazuo Suzuki said, `Taking fingerprints and photographs has yielded unprecedented success in reducing the incidence of infection across Japan.  Our aim is to eradicate disease completely, so I hope the foreign community will show understanding of our need to take this measure.`

However, critics have raised concerns about how the plan is to be implemented.  `If one member of a family is contagious, will the entire family be quarantined?` asked foreign disease specialist Megumi Nakano.  `And tourists may find themselves being detained for the entire duration of their stay, or longer.`

Suzuki answered her concerns by outlining measures for dealing with such situations.  `There will be a special wing for families, where visitation will be allowed every day,` he explained.  `And for tourists we`ll provide travelogue DVDs, an on-site gift shop, and fast-track deportation for anyone who overstays.`

City to Exploit Mugabe Connection

Since Barack Obama's victory in the 2008 US Presidential election, Obama City in Fukui Prefecture has experienced a boost in its fortunes, with increased visitor numbers bringing more income to the city's businesses.  Inspired by this, the Niigata-ken city of Mugabei has decided to try and emulate Obama's success by playing up its links to the Zimbabwean leader.

'Everyone in the city is very proud of our links with President Mugabe,' explained City Council leader Hirofumi Tanaka.  'Despite his bad reputation, his country shares many traditions with our city, such as a history of pastoral agriculture, and a propensity towards violent intimidation of white people.'

Tanaka has proposed a cultural exchange in order to raise the city's profile in both Zimbabwe and Japan.  'There are a lot of retirees here whose wartime experience Mugabe-sama might find useful,' he explained. 'And in their turn, they're keen to build harmony and mutual understanding with the people of Zimbabwe, by educating them in the Japanese crafts of bayoneting and torture.'

A World of Waiting Awaits at New Theme Park `LineLand`

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

At Japan`s newest theme park, the attraction is that there are no attractions; at `LineLand`, opening next week, it`s all about waiting in line.

With no rides at the end, the variety will be provided by different widths of line, which move at different rates, and LineLand employees posing as customers will provide different demographic make-ups.

`Our market research suggests that this is just what people want,` explains entrepreneur owner Hayashi Yoshiro. `Visitors to Tokyo DisneyLand spend 78% of their time waiting in line, so it`s clear that the waiting is the main part of the experience. I thought, why not make it 100%?`

At least one Tokyoite agrees with him. `I often wait two or three hours for a ride at DisneyLand,` explains company employee Ohtsuka Chihiro, `and after that long, the ride can sometimes be disappointing.  I know that at LineLand, I can enjoy the wait, knowing that I won`t be let down at the end. I`m especially looking forward to the Two-Hour 30% High School Boys ThunderLine.`

Special advance tickets for the opening day go on sale at 8:00am tomorrow at LineLand`s Tokyo head office, where there is already a three-kilometer line.

Cyber Grottoes Sabotaged

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

Toshibishi Corporation yesterday announced that it is temporarily closing its entire network of holographic CGI Santa`s Grottoes installed in department stores and malls across the nation.  This is in response to a flood of complaints from parents of children left confused and upset by their experiences.

It`s thought that a disgruntled former employee reprogrammed the central management system of the network, over-riding the traditional interaction program relating to presents, chimneys and being good little boys and girls.  Instead of saying `Ho, ho, ho` the HoloSantas would greet children with `Oh no, not another one,` and the question `What would you like for Christmas?` was replaced with `Shouldn`t you be helping the world`s poor and disadvantaged instead of indulging in this obscene orgy of consumerism and gluttony?`

`My little girl cried for an hour,` lamented one parent in Yokohama.  `She was looking forward to a nice chat with Santa, but instead she got a lecture about the plight of Somali refugees, and she started wanting to give money to charity instead of buying presents.  It took me ages to convince her that`s not what Christmas is about.`

However, in an anonymous email sent to In Other News, the perpetrator remains unrepentant.  `That`ll teach them to cut my hours,` said `Kurisu Kuringuru` in the email.  `Of course, my main aim is to draw attention to the over-commercialisation of Christmas and the leaching away of its spiritual depth, but if they lose money closing the grottoes it`ll serve the bastards right.  Peace.`

Happy Fun Party Time, or Else

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

The government raised eyebrows last week by announcing that from 21st to 27th December, all residents of Japan will be required to wear Christmas costumes.  Anyone failing to wear the festive garb, to be issued shortly, will face an on-the-spot fine of Y50000.

`Our aim is twofold`, explained Cabinet Secretary Hosoyuki Hiroda, sporting reindeer antlers. `As well as boosting the domestic apparel industry, this demonstrates our heartfelt commitment to worldwide intercultural understanding.`

The plan has received a mixed reception from the public.  `I`m all for it,` said Eiichi Kuroitaka, a homeless man in Ueno Park.  `I usually get my Santa outfit from the trash on the 26th, so it`ll be nice to have a clean one.`

Predictably, right-wing groups are opposed.  `We`re totally outraged at this affront to Japanese dignity and culture,` said the driver of one nationalist minivan.  `However, we`re prepared to compromise by wearing Santa hats as we broadcast our patriotic message.  We don`t want to be complete party-poopers.`