Tojo's Spirit Appointed to Cabinet

As part of a cabinet reshuffle yesterday, the spirit of deceased wartime leader Hideki Tojo was appointed Minister for Foreign Affairs. This is the first time that a minister has been appointed after his death, a move which has raised eyebrows both at home and overseas.

Government spokesman Haruka Mikaze defended the move, saying "Critics simply have no understanding of Japanese culture. Our ancestors may no longer be with us in body, but they still have an important part to play in formulating policy. We're looking forward to Minister Tojo's contribution to the debate on our national security."

Speaking from his home in Yasukuni Shrine through a ouija-board operated by the Chief Cabinet Secretary, Minister Tojo said, "I'm delighted to have been chosen for this position, and I'll do my best to carry out my duties honourably. I fully intend to build on current policy, ensuring that Japan's overseas relations become as good as they were during my previous spell in office."

Minister Tojo will attend cabinet meetings and parliamentary debates in non-corporeal form, and is expected to be an ever-present. His first task will be to vote on a bill allowing foreign nationals to hold cabinet posts, paving the way for the Ministry of Land, Transport and Infrastructure to be led by Benito Mussolini.

Japan Plunges Into Scheduled Winter

Winter gripped Japan today as an arctic wind howled down from Siberia, in line with government policy that summer ends at midnight on 31st August each year. Within minutes of the clock striking, temperatures across the country plummeted to below freezing, and revelers were forced to seek shelter from blizzards which dumped meters of snow on cities nationwide.

Yesterday

The Japan Meteorological Agency were unsurprised by the sudden change. "This is a welcome return to clearly delineated seasons," said spokeswoman Yuki Gakitane. "For several hundred years the weather has stayed unseasonally warm into September and October, rather than changing instantly as Japanese tradition says it should.

Japanese citizens are advised to prepare for more severe weather, and perhaps worse. Polar bears have been sighted in Hokkaido as glaciers advance from the mountains, while rescue services are trying to reach motorists trapped in snowdrifts of up to three meters.

Mother Nature is already planning out the weather up to next summer. "I don't yet have exact dates," she said from her forest home, "but there'll be twelve days of red leaves and six of cherry-blossoms. I'll fax the exact dates to the JMA by next week."

Today

Tokyo Olympic Tax Name Contest Launched

Tokyo Metropolitan Government announced yesterday a contest for all residents, to decide on a name for the large increase in residents' tax needed to fund the 2020 Olympics. Residents may submit entries up to 31st December this year.

Governor Nokuru Inose said 'Words like "tax increase" carry too negative a feeling for such a joyous event. It needs to be thought of as something positive and uplifting, with a name to match, such as "Olympic Time Happy Life Gift", but more coherent.'

Critics charge that the contest is a ploy to distract residents from any unnecessary costs associated with the games. 'We had this before with the "New Luxury Government Offices Are a Good Thing Offering"', said store clerk Mayumi Kohaka. "I can't believe they're trying the same trick again. Actually, it worked, so I can."

Inose rejected such criticisms as the unfounded complaints of killjoys, saying 'These are just the unfounded complaints of killjoys, lacking proper Olympic spirit. People who have already submitted names like "Backhanders For Our Construction Industry Friends" need to take a look at themselves.'

The winning name will be decided by a panel of city government members and representatives of construction companies providing infrastructure for the games. The cost of administering the contest, including a five-day stay at a luxury Bali resort for Inose, the judging panel and their families, will be met by a 'Joyous Naming Contest Contribution', to be added to Tokyo residents' tax.

Ministers Laugh Themselves Silly Announcing New Regulator

Ministers yesterday were unable to contain their mirth as they announced the formation of a new body to oversee the "Foreign Trainee" program, following allegations of exploitation by Japanese companies employing "trainees" from China and south-east Asia.

'We're very concerned about the health and well-being of the trainees,' said Industry Ministry spokesman Kenta Yamauchi, stifling giggles behind both hands. 'We want to ensure they're being treated fairlypppfffft - excuse me - so we're committed to stamping out any abusive practices.'

Industry Liaison Officer Asaki Furugawa added, 'We absolutely will not tolerate... I'm sorry... will not tolerate any exploitation of foreign trainees.' Wiping away tears of laughter, he continued, 'We aim to set up a regulator with wide-ranging powers of inspection and sanction,' then had to pause to compose himself, before concluding, 'some time in the next twenty years oh this is priceless!'

According to the government's proposal, companies which refuse inspection, or are found to be engaged in exploitative practices, could be hit by fines of up to a thousand yen ($10). Individuals found to have authorized such practices will face prison sentences of between six and twelve minutes, suspended for a million years.

Government Protests Early Start to Rainy Season

There have been strong official protests after the rainy season started on 5th June, a full two weeks ahead of the date set by the Japan Meteorological Agency (JMA).

"We're deeply offended at this blatant disregard for our stated plans," said JMA spokesman Warui Tenkine. "When we announce a schedule we expect it to be adhered to, without being offered weak excuses like 'climate change' that we had last year."

The mis-step has also caused irritation at the Ministry of Infrastructure. "This has severely disrupted our plans for summer," said junior minister Dara Kunatta. "Unpredictable weather patterns make it difficult to efficiently collude with construction companies, as the rain often soaks through the envelopes containing the cash."

The rainy season has been quick to apologize for its over-hasty action. "I deeply regret my error in not starting on the expected date," it said in a press statement. "I promise faithfully to follow the JMA schedule from now on, and to make up my mistake I'll rain extra hard until this year's ending date."

Tokyo Residents Shocked at Foreigners in Olympics

Tokyoites have reacted with consternation to the news that the 2020 Olympic Games will bring an influx of foreigners to Tokyo, both as visitors and competitors. Many feel trepidation about the impact that these foreigners will have on the city and the games.

"I had no idea that foreigners would be taking part," said engineer Kozu Suzuki. "When I've watched the Olympics on TV I've only ever seen Japanese athletes. Oh, and that Usain Bolt, but he's famous so it's OK."

Members of the Japan Olympic Committee are also shocked at the news. "The only reason we ever wanted the Olympics was to show the world that Japan is better than anyone else," fumed JOC head Bakano Sabetsu. "How can we do that if foreigners are allowed to compete? We'll obviously be lobbying the government to refuse visas to visiting athletes, except the crap ones. Losing gallantly to Japan is what the Olympics should be about."

April Sprog Day: Births to be Allowed Only on 1st

The government has announced that beginning next year, Japanese citizens will be born only on 1st April each year. Women in the final months of pregnancy at the time will have birth induced, while babies born prematurely before 1st April will be denied citizenship and allowed to stay in Japan only as 'Special Permanent Residents' without voting rights or benefit entitlement. Women who become pregnant outside July will face fines of up to Y10m or, in the case of repeat offenders, custodial sentences.

Spokesperson Mina Onaji explained the rationale for the change. "This will benefit Japanese industry by allowing companies to streamline record-keeping, and by aligning with the academic year and employment practice," she said. "It will also strengthen national unity by reducing childrens' regrettable propensity to imagine they're different from each other."

Public response to the proposal has been mixed. "It'll be easier to remember birthdays," said newlyweds Kei and Junko Tanjobi, "but every kid in the neighbourhood will want a party on the same day. We'll have to organise some kind of rota."

Other people have been more enthusiastic, however. "I think this is great," said company employee Sho Ganai, 41. "If I can convince my wife that the risk of pregnancy is too great, then I won't have to have sex with her at all. Then I'll be able to spend even more time at the office."