Corpse Disposal Guidelines Spark Controversy

Hachikawa City has prompted controversy by including with its latest garbage collection schedule guidelines for disposing of corpses.

It gives detailed instructions on how to properly dismember corpses and wrap the body parts, and advice on where to purchase suitable hacksaws and impermeable bags.

`Of course, we understand that some residents mights find this to be in poor taste,` said Ichiro Matsui, a spokesman for the city government, `but there have been a number of corpses abandoned lately following murders. We want to preserve an unpolluted environment for all residents, and guard residents from suffering the trauma of tripping over an improperly abandoned corpse while walking their dogs.`

The instructions also warn of the inconvenience caused by biological factors such as rigor mortis and decomposition. `Now the weather is becoming warmer, corpses will rot and start to smell more quickly,` explained Matsui. `We recommend that residents murder their friends and family members on Monday night or Thursday night, dismember them straight away, then put them out for collection the next day.`

Corporation to Give Training in Drunkenness and Vomiting Etiquette

As usual, companies across the nation this month will be welcoming thousands of fresh-faced recruits, and subjecting them to several weeks of intensive training in all aspects of the business, then some hazing. Mitsoniba Corp. will be going one step further, though, and will be providing training in how best to behave at the after-work drinking parties which are an integral part of corporate life.

'This is a neglected area of business practice,' said Shinichi Nomihoudai, head of Mitsoniba's party training division. 'We hope to set the standard for educating staff in how to maintain their decorum when they're so drunk they start hitting on vending machines.'

The training will cover timing of trips to the toilet, when (and how) it's acceptable to insult the
boss, and how to appear sober when hallucinating, vomiting, or hallucinating vomiting.

'Corporations rely on their employees to make a good impression at every moment of their lives,' explained Nomihoudai. 'Research has shown that consumers are less likely to buy products from a company whose staff are routinely found face down in rancid pools of their own carroty vomit. Or their colleagues' vomit. Anyone's vomit, really.'

As well as vomit-dodging, to be coached with an ingenious fusion of dodgeball and paintball, staff will be taught how to limit the diameter of their platform pizzas by narrowing their mouths at the appropriate time, and the correct angle at which to bow when vomiting off a station platform.

Housewife Catatonic After Seasonal Revelation

Correspondent: Guido Fitzpatrick
A Kanagawa homemaker has been hospitalized in a catatonic state after learning that a climate with four distinct seasons is not unique to Japan.

Saiko Yamada, 61, was attending an English class at the Dokkano-Machi branch of Let's Heartful Enjoy Language Academy when her teacher, Vermont native Mike Flynn, showed the class some photos of his hometown of Rutland taken in October of last year.

"I feel terrible," said Flynn outside Dokkano General Hospital. "If only I'd known she'd react that way. The brilliant fall colors are a point of pride for New Englanders, so I showed her the photos as part of a lesson focused on talking about your home town. Saiko's eyes suddenly became wide and she said 'That's in America? Is it always like that?' When I said 'Only in autumn,' she looked even more shocked and said 'You have autumn there?!' "

Surprised but still not suspecting that his student would become catatonic, Flynn began explaining about seasonal activities in his home state. "It was when I mentioned catching fireflies in the summer that her eyes started to glaze over, but I continued because that`s not really an uncommon reaction."

Dr. Ken Saiki, a psychiatrist specializing in culture shock-induced catatonia, surmises that Mrs. Yamada's condition can be cured with "appropriate audio-visual stimuli."

"She simply needs to regain the thought-patterns that preceded the catatonia. In this case that means the assumed non-existence of temporal climates over 99% of the earth's surface. This is essential if she is to regain her sense of cultural uniqueness and thus her mental health." He also added that foreign language schools should require instructors to avoid "potentially hazardous" topics such as the existence of four seasons, fall colors, and fireflies in foreign countries.

Mrs. Yamada is currently undergoing a treatment regimen of haiku, ukiyo-e, and Los Angeles travel videos.

Government Pledges Continued Inaction

In light of its falling approval rating, the government has announced a raft of fresh strategies for procrastination and the evasion of tough decisions.


`We don`t wish to alarm the public with over-hasty action,` explained Cabinet Secretary Eiichi Nago, `so we promise a complete absence of bold new policy initiatives, and the formation of at least four committees before making any decision.`


He cautioned that this shouldn`t be taken to mean the government will be doing nothing. `Japan faces manifold challenges both at home and overseas,` he said, `and to avoid having to deal with them will involve careful mis-coordination between departments, well-planned buck-passing and skilled prevarication.`


Acting from generosity of spirit, the government ultimately hopes to allow future administrations to secure their own place in history. `It would be selfish of us to take the credit for addressing all the issues ourselves,` Nago explained. `Our aim is to leave for future generations of lawmakers an expansive legacy of opportunities.`

Sumo Association Gets Tough(ish) on Gamblers

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

The Japan Sumo Association has issued tight new regulations to deal with gambling and match-fixing allegations that have threatened to destroy the sport. In future, wrestlers will be permitted to gamble, but only for stuffed toys.

'We believe these strict new guidelines will restore the integrity of sumo once and for all,' declared JSA president Ookinachanko. 'Our members will never again be able to get direct financial gain from fixed bouts. Not only that, wrestlers will be encouraged to donate their stuffed toys to charity offices, conveniently located near pachinko parlours, where they definitely won't be given any cash.'

Yakuza Launch Character Goods

In an attempt to soften its image in the public's minds, the Yamaguchi-Gumi crime syndicate has signaled the start of a charm offensive with the unveiling of two mangaesque characters. It hopes that cuddly, big-eyed tween gangsters Yumi and Gumi will help people see the gang in a different light.

'At the moment, the public associate us with drug dealing, extortion and human trafficking', a spokesman said at a press conference yesterday, 'and this saddens us. By selling hand towels and document wallets with these two kawaii cuties on them, we hope to demonstrate the gentler side of organised crime.'

A variety of goods featuring Yumi and Gumi will go on sale next week in every convenience store in the country. Some chains were initially reluctant to stock the goods, but agreed to do so after several of their stores burnt down.

Shikoku Hospital Opens Teen Hatch

Following the controversial opening in 2009 of a 'baby hatch' at a hospital in Kumamoto, Shikoku Prestige University Hospital in Matsuyama last week went one step further and opened a 'teen hatch', where parents can drop off their teenage children if they are having difficulty raising them.


'Many parents find it troublesome when their children grow up and cease to be cute,' explained hospital director Kenji Nakayama. 'In the current bad economic situation, the financial demands of bringing up a teenager can make the situation unmanageable, so we felt it necessary to provide this service for parents.'


There are separate hatches for girls and boys, disguised respectively as purikura and internet booths. In the first week after opening, three girls and fifty-eight boys were deposited; the girls have already started training as nurses at the hospital, while the boys were sent to Johnny's Jimusho talent agency.


Asked about the need to disguise the hatches, Nakayama said, 'Some teenagers may be suspicious of their parents' intentions at first, so the hatches were designed to appeal to their interests in order to win them over. I tested the system using my own two children, and while they were initially very distressed, I hear they're now looking forward to their new careers.'