No We Can't: Government Attempts Birthrate Boost with Reverse Psychology

At a press conference last week, the government announced a new strategy to tackle Japan’s low birthrate: noting that sales of kanji instruction books increased when former Prime Minister Aso’s illiteracy came to public attention, ministers aim to encourage more procreation amongst Japanese couples by drawing attention to their own lack of prowess between the sheets.

‘I’m absolutely crap in the sack,’ said Culture Minister Shochu Nakayama at the press conference. ‘I’m often so drunk after a long Diet session that I can’t perform at all. It’s a wonder we ever had a child.’

Womens’ Affairs Minister Masako Ichihashi upset some conservative groups with her comments. ‘My husband must have been a virgin on our wedding night,’ she recalled. ‘He didn’t have a clue, and he was so bashful. It was as if he’d never even spoken to a woman, let alone touched one. I had to do everything for him.’

The public seems to have responded quickly, with bookstores already noticing an increase in sales of sex instruction books. However, a spokesman warned against expecting instant results, suggesting it might take between eight and ten months for any increase in the birthrate to be observed.

Students to be Graded on Shyness

The Education Ministry has announced that from next year, students at high schools in Japan will be graded on their shyness.  Criteria will include reticence with strangers, blushing, and evasion of eye contact, and students considered insufficiently bashful will be held back a year, regardless of their academic performance.


"This measure is absolutely necessary in order to prepare students for life after graduation," explained Ministry spokesman Kazu Hashi. "In school, students can pick up bad habits such as sharing their feelings and opinions, which jar badly with the outside environment. Shyness is a fundamental life skill which students need to master so that they are able to assimilate into wider Japanese society."


Students are eagerly looking forward to the new challenge. "I used to enjoy meeting people and making friends," said Arisa Tanaka, a high school freshman in Chiba, "but now I see I'll have to stop. I'm determined to do my best to be the shyest in my class!"

Research Identifies Gaijin Gene

Researchers at Tokyo's Eugenics Foundation have made a historic breakthrough by finally isolating the gene responsible for gaijin. The ground-breaking findings seem to indicate that gaijin are more closely related to Japanese people than had previously been thought.


'We were taken aback at just how much genetic material gaijin share with we Japanese,' said Foundation chairman Jinshu Sabetsu. 'Not only that, but inserting the gaijin gene into the DNA of a racially pure Japanese mouse produced no discernible change in behaviour. The untrained observer might believe them not to be a separate species at all.'


Future research at the Foundation is likely to focus on finding a practical application for the knowledge. 'Important though it is, identifying the gaijin gene is only a first step,' said Sabetsu. 'We're still a very long way from finding an effective treatment.'

Corpse Disposal Guidelines Spark Controversy

Hachikawa City has prompted controversy by including with its latest garbage collection schedule guidelines for disposing of corpses.

It gives detailed instructions on how to properly dismember corpses and wrap the body parts, and advice on where to purchase suitable hacksaws and impermeable bags.

`Of course, we understand that some residents mights find this to be in poor taste,` said Ichiro Matsui, a spokesman for the city government, `but there have been a number of corpses abandoned lately following murders. We want to preserve an unpolluted environment for all residents, and guard residents from suffering the trauma of tripping over an improperly abandoned corpse while walking their dogs.`

The instructions also warn of the inconvenience caused by biological factors such as rigor mortis and decomposition. `Now the weather is becoming warmer, corpses will rot and start to smell more quickly,` explained Matsui. `We recommend that residents murder their friends and family members on Monday night or Thursday night, dismember them straight away, then put them out for collection the next day.`

Corporation to Give Training in Drunkenness and Vomiting Etiquette

As usual, companies across the nation this month will be welcoming thousands of fresh-faced recruits, and subjecting them to several weeks of intensive training in all aspects of the business, then some hazing. Mitsoniba Corp. will be going one step further, though, and will be providing training in how best to behave at the after-work drinking parties which are an integral part of corporate life.

'This is a neglected area of business practice,' said Shinichi Nomihoudai, head of Mitsoniba's party training division. 'We hope to set the standard for educating staff in how to maintain their decorum when they're so drunk they start hitting on vending machines.'

The training will cover timing of trips to the toilet, when (and how) it's acceptable to insult the
boss, and how to appear sober when hallucinating, vomiting, or hallucinating vomiting.

'Corporations rely on their employees to make a good impression at every moment of their lives,' explained Nomihoudai. 'Research has shown that consumers are less likely to buy products from a company whose staff are routinely found face down in rancid pools of their own carroty vomit. Or their colleagues' vomit. Anyone's vomit, really.'

As well as vomit-dodging, to be coached with an ingenious fusion of dodgeball and paintball, staff will be taught how to limit the diameter of their platform pizzas by narrowing their mouths at the appropriate time, and the correct angle at which to bow when vomiting off a station platform.

Housewife Catatonic After Seasonal Revelation

Correspondent: Guido Fitzpatrick
A Kanagawa homemaker has been hospitalized in a catatonic state after learning that a climate with four distinct seasons is not unique to Japan.

Saiko Yamada, 61, was attending an English class at the Dokkano-Machi branch of Let's Heartful Enjoy Language Academy when her teacher, Vermont native Mike Flynn, showed the class some photos of his hometown of Rutland taken in October of last year.

"I feel terrible," said Flynn outside Dokkano General Hospital. "If only I'd known she'd react that way. The brilliant fall colors are a point of pride for New Englanders, so I showed her the photos as part of a lesson focused on talking about your home town. Saiko's eyes suddenly became wide and she said 'That's in America? Is it always like that?' When I said 'Only in autumn,' she looked even more shocked and said 'You have autumn there?!' "

Surprised but still not suspecting that his student would become catatonic, Flynn began explaining about seasonal activities in his home state. "It was when I mentioned catching fireflies in the summer that her eyes started to glaze over, but I continued because that`s not really an uncommon reaction."

Dr. Ken Saiki, a psychiatrist specializing in culture shock-induced catatonia, surmises that Mrs. Yamada's condition can be cured with "appropriate audio-visual stimuli."

"She simply needs to regain the thought-patterns that preceded the catatonia. In this case that means the assumed non-existence of temporal climates over 99% of the earth's surface. This is essential if she is to regain her sense of cultural uniqueness and thus her mental health." He also added that foreign language schools should require instructors to avoid "potentially hazardous" topics such as the existence of four seasons, fall colors, and fireflies in foreign countries.

Mrs. Yamada is currently undergoing a treatment regimen of haiku, ukiyo-e, and Los Angeles travel videos.

Government Pledges Continued Inaction

In light of its falling approval rating, the government has announced a raft of fresh strategies for procrastination and the evasion of tough decisions.


`We don`t wish to alarm the public with over-hasty action,` explained Cabinet Secretary Eiichi Nago, `so we promise a complete absence of bold new policy initiatives, and the formation of at least four committees before making any decision.`


He cautioned that this shouldn`t be taken to mean the government will be doing nothing. `Japan faces manifold challenges both at home and overseas,` he said, `and to avoid having to deal with them will involve careful mis-coordination between departments, well-planned buck-passing and skilled prevarication.`


Acting from generosity of spirit, the government ultimately hopes to allow future administrations to secure their own place in history. `It would be selfish of us to take the credit for addressing all the issues ourselves,` Nago explained. `Our aim is to leave for future generations of lawmakers an expansive legacy of opportunities.`