Mandatory Red Noses For Foreigners In Japan

From Monday next week, all foreign residents and visitors in Japan are to be required to wear big bright red noses. Failure to wear the noses will incur an on-the-spot fine, or one week in prison.

A foreigner yesterday

The government explained the new regulation at a press conference yesterday. Insularity Ministry spokesman Akano Hana said, "We feel this is an important step for Japanese cultural unity. Both foreigners and Japanese people alike need to remember that foreigners are curiosities, and big clown noses will make sure everyone knows. Do you see what I did there?"

Perhaps surprisingly, some Japanese citizens are opposed. Saitama retiree Sabetsu Oyaji, 76, told In Other News "I don't like it. With my eyesight, I might mistake a foreigner for the Japanese flag. I wouldn't want to bow to a foreigner by mistake."

Another foreigner

However, at least one expatriate welcomes the news. Kansas native Crazy O'Zany, 26, co-presenter of TV show "Happy English Fun Time", told us, "This is great news for me! I have a bright red nose anyway, from the amount of bourbon I drink to forget the existential cancer gnawing at my soul every waking moment, so it'll, what was the question?"

The noses cost JPY500 each, and are available for purchase at airports and immigration offices across Japan. Since Japan has four seasons, the design and shade will change every three months.

Retailer Launches Hallowe'en Goods

Hallowe'en goods have gone on sale today nationwide in every branch of discount outlet Donkey Hands. The chain is hoping to attract Christmas shoppers who wish to prepare early for Hallowe'en next year.

Spokesman Cho Hayaku told In Other News, "We understand that some people may object to our selling Hallowe'en goods eleven months in advance. However, we don't care."

Hallow Kitty, perfect for Christmas

Shoppers have been quick to snap up the Hallowe'en items, with Donkey Hands reporting brisk sales. Tokyo engineer Takashi Suzuki said "I'm glad they've done this, as I can do all my shopping at the same time for Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day, Hallowe'en, and next Christmas."

Overwork Suicide Victim's Mother Praises Daughter's Company Spirit

Yumiko Takamatsu, mother of Manami Takamatsu, an employee of Damitsu Corporation who killed herself last week after working over a hundred hours of unpaid overtime each month, has gone on public record to praise her daughter's dedication to her work.

"I do miss my daughter," she said in a statement released yesterday, "but the extra four ten-thousandths of a percent that her overtime added to half-yearly profits shows that her suffering and death weren't without purpose."

"I just wish she could have hung on a couple of months longer, so the company would have been able to reduce its tax liability by writing off her paid vacation allowance."

A Damitsu employee at 3:00am this morning

Damitsu has welcomed Takamatsu's statement. Spokesman Minaka Roshi said "We're happy to hear of Mrs Takamatsu's selfless attitude, and we hope that she will inspire other employees' families to help boost our competetiveness. Leveraging parents' willingness to bury their children will allow us to deliver value to stockholders for generations to come."

Deadline Looms For Citizens' Summer Uniform Return

The Department of Citizen Apparel (DCA) has reminded citizens of Japan that the deadline for returning their government-issued summer uniform is midnight on October 31.

After this date, anyone found wearing a white shirt with dark horizontal stripes will be subject to an on-the-spot fine of JPY10000.

DCA spokesman Mina Onaji said, "It's important for the maintenance of Japanese culture that all citizens dress the same, in accordance with the changing seasons."

Three citizens in their summer uniforms yesterday

A list of approved autumn colours and styles is available from the DAC website. The season police will be making extra patrols during November to ensure that the citizenry is complying.

Certification Introduced for Gaijin-Botherers

A system of official certification has been introduced for Japanese citizens who wish to pester foreigners for English practice and conversation. Regular training courses and examinations will be held starting next month, and only those with certificates will be permitted to engage in the harassment of foreigners.

There will be three grades of certificate:

• Bronze certificate holders will be able to engage in simple conversation about the weather, sightseeing, and the foreigners' home countries;
• the Silver certificate will allow discussion of current affairs and widely held tiresome stereotypes, such as British peoples' addictions to fish and chips and The Beatles
• those with the Gold certificate will be able to engage in complex interactions, including passive-aggressive comments about selfish foreigners refusing to help Japanese people

Outlining the system at a press conference yesterday, Cultural Agency spokesman Eigo Hara said, "Our intention is to provide a more satisfying experience for everyone involved. Certificate holders will feel more confident in their ability to make unsolicited approaches to foreigners, who in turn will appreciate the effort put in to make the claim on their time."

A Japanese person asking for English practice yesterday

The news has received a cautious welcome from English learners in Japan. "I'm looking forward to receiving my certificate," said Saitama salaryman Takashi Takashima, "but I worry whether the foreigners might tire of hearing the same questions from everyone at the lower levels."

Anticipating demand, a number of English conversation schools have already launched courses to prepare students for the certification exams. Bernovane director of studies Daisuki Okane told In Other News, "Like the government, we see these certificates as a good way of extracting money from the public. Costs to us will be low, because our teachers are already well used to exactly these conversations."

Woman Hospitalized With Burns After Exposure to Sunlight

An elderly woman in Shizuoka was hospitalized yesterday with severe burns after her skin was accidentally exposed to sunlight. Fuyuko Hakujin, 83, remains in intensive care, but her injuries are not thought to be life-threatening.

Mrs Hakujin was wearing tights and leggings tucked into knee-high boots under loose pants; a long-sleeved undershirt, elbow-high gloves, two high-collared blouses, a neckerchief and cravat; a balaclava, a visor, a welder's mask, and a sombrero with a two-foot long veil sewn on by hand.

According to witnesses, Mrs Hakujin bent over to pick up a one-yen coin she had noticed, but as she stretched a small gap was created between her cuff and glove. The exposed skin immediately ignited, and the burning spread quickly across her hand and up her arm, blackening the skin like lit newspaper.

A Japanese woman enjoying the sun yesterday

Fortunately the smoke alerted passers-by, who were able to dunk Mrs Hakujin in a nearby fountain and call emergency services.

Doctors warned In Other News of the need for vigilance against exposure to the sun. "Being superior, Japanese skin is easily flammable," said senior burn surgeon Makoto Hanabi. "I recommend a full bodysuit, a wetsuit or, ideally, staying indoors during sunny weather with all doors and windows shuttered."

NHK Impartiality Questioned After 'Handsome Abe' News

Concerns about the perceived politicisation of Japan's national broadcaster NHK came to the fore yesterday, after Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was gratuitously praised throughout its evening 'NewsLook' show.

A story about new subsidies for concrete producers began with the phrase 'Handsome and honourable leader Shinzo Abe showed that he is better than everyone else', while in other stories he was variously described as 'intelligent' five times; 'cool', 'strong' and 'kind' three times each; 'definitely not racist' twice; and 'stylish' and 'buff as a Calvin Klein model' once each.

Light of the world, Dear Leader Shinzo Abe

NHK has defended itself against accusations of partiality in its coverage. 'It's not true that we're influenced by our wonderful, enlightened - I mean, by the government,' said spokesman Abeno Ningyo. 'When we described noble - when we described Prime Minister Abe as a radiant beacon of goodness, we did so in completely neutral fashion.'

Next month sees the debut on NHK of Shin-Kun-Sen, an animated childrens' show about 'Shinzo the cute patriotic train, defending Nippontown against Hank the Noisy American Train, Chang the Stupid Rude Chinese Train, and Vlad the Evil Russian Train.'