No Mexican Food: Complaint Record Broken

An American man yesterday broke the long-standing record for the number of consecutive days on which a complaint has been made about the lack of Mexican food in Japan.

Florida native Bob Kleinwiener, 27, has complained at least once on each of the last 1,782 days, the entirety of the four years, ten months and 17 days that he's been resident in Japan.

Mr Kleinwiener celebrates his record

This breaks the previous record held by Kentucky native Duane Maddox, who stopped complaining after 1,781 days only when he fell into a coma.

Mr Kleinwiener has lost his voice twice during his record-breaking run, but continued to bitch across various social media. Asked for a comment, he said: "Where are the good burritos at? I don't care if I've moved as far from Mexico as it's physically possible to be, I'm an American, goddamnit, and I want my burritos now!"

Town Struck By Christmas Bird Thefts

Following Saturday's theft of partridges and pear trees, last night saw the city hit by another set of unusual crimes.

Four calling birds similar to those stolen

Seven different aviaries and petting farms were targeted overnight, evidently for specific breeds of bird, though not all were actually taken.

Three French hens similar to those stolen

The total of birds stolen were: 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, and 36 various calling birds.

Two turtle doves similar to those stolen

Prints found at one aviary match those at the poultry farm from which the partridges were stolen on Saturday, allowing police to connect the two cases. However, a source within the investigation told In Other News that they are still baffled as to any motive.

Police Perplexed by Peartree Partridge Pilfering

In a bizarre criminal coincidence, two local producers fell victim last night to improbably similar thefts.

Some pear trees similar to those at Kobayashi Orchard

Under cover of darkness, twelve pear trees were uprooted and removed from Kobayashi Orchard, while in the same night, exactly twelve partridges were stolen from Suzuki Poultry farm.

A partridge similar to those stolen from Suzuki poultry farm

Despite the apparent similarities, police do not believe the incidents to be connected, and have launched separate investigations. No details have been released yet about potential suspects or motives.

Hours Cut For Government Anti-Overwork Team

The Government committee charged with tackling the culture of overwork in Japanese corporations has cut the number of hours it spends on the task, citing stress and exhaustion.

Whereas it previously sat for eight hours each week to discuss its investigative findings and draft legislation, it will now meet for only one hour weekly, and the amount of time spent on investigation and research will be reduced in proportion.

Committee members hard at work yesterday

Explaining the reasons for the change, committee member Shigo Tokirai told In Other News, "We just don't want to do this. These long hours keep us from seeing our friends and families, and pursuing our interests. Sometimes we don't get to the pub until six thirty, and we're occasionally so tired we have to leave the hostess bar before ten."

The committee now anticipates completing the first draft of their legislation by summer 2023, though by then a number of the members will have retired and joined the boards of Japanese corporations.

Mandatory Red Noses For Foreigners In Japan

From Monday next week, all foreign residents and visitors in Japan are to be required to wear big bright red noses. Failure to wear the noses will incur an on-the-spot fine, or one week in prison.

A foreigner yesterday

The government explained the new regulation at a press conference yesterday. Insularity Ministry spokesman Akano Hana said, "We feel this is an important step for Japanese cultural unity. Both foreigners and Japanese people alike need to remember that foreigners are curiosities, and big clown noses will make sure everyone knows. Do you see what I did there?"

Perhaps surprisingly, some Japanese citizens are opposed. Saitama retiree Sabetsu Oyaji, 76, told In Other News "I don't like it. With my eyesight, I might mistake a foreigner for the Japanese flag. I wouldn't want to bow to a foreigner by mistake."

Another foreigner

However, at least one expatriate welcomes the news. Kansas native Crazy O'Zany, 26, co-presenter of TV show "Happy English Fun Time", told us, "This is great news for me! I have a bright red nose anyway, from the amount of bourbon I drink to forget the existential cancer gnawing at my soul every waking moment, so it'll, what was the question?"

The noses cost JPY500 each, and are available for purchase at airports and immigration offices across Japan. Since Japan has four seasons, the design and shade will change every three months.

Retailer Launches Hallowe'en Goods

Hallowe'en goods have gone on sale today nationwide in every branch of discount outlet Donkey Hands. The chain is hoping to attract Christmas shoppers who wish to prepare early for Hallowe'en next year.

Spokesman Cho Hayaku told In Other News, "We understand that some people may object to our selling Hallowe'en goods eleven months in advance. However, we don't care."

Hallow Kitty, perfect for Christmas

Shoppers have been quick to snap up the Hallowe'en items, with Donkey Hands reporting brisk sales. Tokyo engineer Takashi Suzuki said "I'm glad they've done this, as I can do all my shopping at the same time for Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day, Hallowe'en, and next Christmas."

Overwork Suicide Victim's Mother Praises Daughter's Company Spirit

Yumiko Takamatsu, mother of Manami Takamatsu, an employee of Damitsu Corporation who killed herself last week after working over a hundred hours of unpaid overtime each month, has gone on public record to praise her daughter's dedication to her work.

"I do miss my daughter," she said in a statement released yesterday, "but the extra four ten-thousandths of a percent that her overtime added to half-yearly profits shows that her suffering and death weren't without purpose."

"I just wish she could have hung on a couple of months longer, so the company would have been able to reduce its tax liability by writing off her paid vacation allowance."

A Damitsu employee at 3:00am this morning

Damitsu has welcomed Takamatsu's statement. Spokesman Minaka Roshi said "We're happy to hear of Mrs Takamatsu's selfless attitude, and we hope that she will inspire other employees' families to help boost our competetiveness. Leveraging parents' willingness to bury their children will allow us to deliver value to stockholders for generations to come."