Happy Fun Party Time, or Else

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

The government raised eyebrows last week by announcing that from 21st to 27th December, all residents of Japan will be required to wear Christmas costumes.  Anyone failing to wear the festive garb, to be issued shortly, will face an on-the-spot fine of Y50000.

`Our aim is twofold`, explained Cabinet Secretary Hosoyuki Hiroda, sporting reindeer antlers. `As well as boosting the domestic apparel industry, this demonstrates our heartfelt commitment to worldwide intercultural understanding.`

The plan has received a mixed reception from the public.  `I`m all for it,` said Eiichi Kuroitaka, a homeless man in Ueno Park.  `I usually get my Santa outfit from the trash on the 26th, so it`ll be nice to have a clean one.`

Predictably, right-wing groups are opposed.  `We`re totally outraged at this affront to Japanese dignity and culture,` said the driver of one nationalist minivan.  `However, we`re prepared to compromise by wearing Santa hats as we broadcast our patriotic message.  We don`t want to be complete party-poopers.`

Ho ho no: Santa Denied Entry Visa

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

Japanese children face the sad prospect of a Christmas without presents, after Santa Claus was yesterday refused an entry visa.  Immigration Bureau spokesman Kenji Okada confirmed that this was due to toughened quarantine restrictions applying to reindeer, and questions over duty payments on previous importation of presents.

`It`s bureaucracy gone mad!` fumed Santa from his Lapland workshop.  `Those duty payments were perfectly in order, and my reindeer don`t pose any danger to Japanese people, unless they stand under the flightpath.`

Despite his protests, this is in fact not Santa`s first run-in with Japanese authorities.  He was admitted last year only after investigators were satisfied that the elves at his workshop were not child labourers and were not being maltreated.

Santa still hopes to be allowed to enter on a visa waiver, but has been warned against trying to enter illegally.  `We are committed to protect the skies against any intruders,` said Air Self Defence Force commander Yoshi Nagata.  `Any incursion into Japanese airspace will be considered an act of aggression and dealt with accordingly.`

Public response has been disgruntled.  `At first, my little boy was heartbroken,` said one Tokyo parent, `but I promised to dress up as Santa and give him some presents myself.  That made him happy, the greedy little mercenary.`

Immigration officials remain steadfast.  `We understand there will be some disappointment,` said Okada, `but this action was absolutely necessary to ensure a harmonious, disease-free Christmas for everyone.  We hope that citizens` enjoyment of the festive season won`t be marred by Santa`s absence.`

Cars Shame Name Policy Backfires

Correspondent: Guido Fitzpatrick

Statistics released yesterday show that a government policy requiring automakers to give conventional gasoline-powered vehicles embarrassing names with the objective of reducing sales has backfired.  Over the past six months, domestic sales of cars with the humiliating names increased by 7%, rather than a hoped-for reduction of 25%.

Economy Ministry spokesman Yamada Taro explained, 'Our aim was to increase "green" vehicle ownership through a reduction in gasoline-powered car purchases.  However, it seems that names such as the Toyota Magic Chucklebus and the Nissan Feathered Ladyboy haven't had the desired deterrent effect.'

Industry analyst Kuruma Daisuke commented, 'Exports have dropped sharply, as the names were effective in putting off overseas drivers.  However, the Ministry didn't account for the domestic market consisting mainly of undiscerning, intellectually arrested metrosexual men-children for whom the name Honda Mincing Nancy has no negative connotation.'

The Ministry has acted quickly in assembling a task force to draft a list of names more likely to deter Japanese men.  It has already recommended the Mitsubishi Loose Tie, the Subaru Rough Unshaven Skin and the Misuzu I Don't Like Disney.

Government to Tackle Problems by Looking Away

At a press conference in Nagatacho yesterday, the government announced that its new strategy for dealing with the manifold problems facing Japan will be to turn around and look in a different direction.

'Imagine I'm walking by a river, and I see a homeless person,' explained spokesman Kurokke Meganai. 'If I turn and look away, I can't see him any more, so he isn't really there and the problem is solved.'

This marks an abrupt change from the government's previous policy of burying their heads in the sand.  According to Meganai, this was marred by the occasional need to surface for air, at which point the problems would reappear.

'The number of challenges we face is increasing all the time,' said Meganai.  'By adopting this apporach we'll be able to deal with them quickly and effectively.  If there are any questions, I'll just turn around.'

Gaijingle Bells

In a controversial move, the government has announced that all foreign residents in Japan will be required to wear small bells around their necks.  The law will come into effect from next month, and foreigners found outside without their bells will be liable to fines or prison sentences.

Justice Ministry spokesman Suppai Imo explained, 'There are a lot of Japanese people who have a deeply-held fear of foreigners, and it's impractical for us to tackle such an entrenched prejudice, especially when we share it.  This move will allow us to perpetuate that fear and use it to our political advantage.'

Public reaction to the announcement has been mixed. 'I'm really happy about this,' said housewife Megumi Kashima. 'When I hear the bell I'll know there's a gaijin approaching, and that'll give me a few seconds to get my children indoors.'

Scott 'The S Man' Golfingstein, a broker from Roppongi, was unimpressed. 'Only a bell?' he said. 'If I'm to warn all the J-chicks that the S-Man is on his way I should get an airhorn. Whoooooooo!'

Schoolgirl 'Robbed' of Nobel Peace Prize

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

Miki Heiwa, a 3rd year high school student from Tokyo, has claimed she was unfairly denied this year's Nobel Peace Prize.  'It's a total injustice that I didn't win,' cried the visibly distraught 17-year-old. 'After all, I've been good to my grandmother, I've shown the peace sign hundreds of times at print club, and I didn't start a single war.'

Pressed to defend the Nobel Committee's decision, a spokesman said 'Of course, Miss Heiwa was a leading candidate. Unfortunately, she was seen last week at Disneyland kicking a queue-jumper in the groin.'

Report Pins Marie Celeste on North Korea

A report released yesterday by the Japanese Foreign Ministry claims that the crew of the Marie Celeste, a merchant ship found abandoned off the coast of Portugal in 1872, were likely abducted by North Korean agents.  The investigation was prompted by a student at Tokyo University who read about the ship in a textbook, then wrote to the Ministry every day demanding action.

The report acknowledges that the incident took place over eighty years before Korea was divided into North and South, and that sailing from Korea to Portugal to kidnap a load of sailors seems like more effort than it's worth.  However, it states that 'In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, we must conclude that the crew of the Marie Celeste were abducted and forced to train North Korean agents in English and seamanship.'

The Ministry is currently investigating claims by the same student that North Korean agents were responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, Japan's defeat on penalties by Paraguay in last year's World Cup, and the death of Bambi's mother.