Report Pins Marie Celeste on North Korea

A report released yesterday by the Japanese Foreign Ministry claims that the crew of the Marie Celeste, a merchant ship found abandoned off the coast of Portugal in 1872, were likely abducted by North Korean agents.  The investigation was prompted by a student at Tokyo University who read about the ship in a textbook, then wrote to the Ministry every day demanding action.

The report acknowledges that the incident took place over eighty years before Korea was divided into North and South, and that sailing from Korea to Portugal to kidnap a load of sailors seems like more effort than it's worth.  However, it states that 'In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, we must conclude that the crew of the Marie Celeste were abducted and forced to train North Korean agents in English and seamanship.'

The Ministry is currently investigating claims by the same student that North Korean agents were responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, Japan's defeat on penalties by Paraguay in last year's World Cup, and the death of Bambi's mother.

Japan Opens Panties Market to Imports

Traditionally, Japanese men have bought schoolgirls' panties to fulfil their sordid whims. However, recent demographic trends have reduced the number of pre-loved undergarments available, while demand continues to swell. So in a bold move, the government yesterday ended decades of protectionism by lifting the ban on imports of used panties, opening the market for the first time to competition from overseas.

European design houses such as Louis Vuitton and Prada have been swift to act, announcing plans to launch lines of panties worn at exclusive finishing schools in really hot countries. And Maria Sharapova is considering opening a tennis academy to source panties, which will be sold with an accompanying photograph and personal testimony.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Trade said, 'The rising number of single middle-aged men, neets and geeks meant that supply just couldn't keep up with demand. As a patriot, I prefer fragrant Japanese maidenhood myself, but we have to recognise that globalisation has opened pervs' minds to a wide world of lingerie culture.'

Singing to Replace Speeches

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

The influence of J-Pop supergroup AKB-48 has now spread to politics; their system of periodic surveys to determine their fans' favourite members is to be adopted for Japan's parliamentary elections.

'The public are sick and tired of anonymous backroom deals deciding who leads Japan,' explained political analyst Seiji Baka. 'AKB-48 elections show how a true democracy should work.'

A CD will be released every six months on which politicians sing their manifesto promises, and purchasers will be able to vote in upcoming elections.  The winner becomes Prime Minister, with the other highest vote-getters forming the cabinet.

Foreign governments have responded largely positively to the plan. 'We're very pleased with this,' commented one senior US official. 'We had a very hard time taking Japanese politics seriously after Koizumi's Elvis impersonation. Now, we don't even have to try.'

No We Can't: Government Attempts Birthrate Boost with Reverse Psychology

At a press conference last week, the government announced a new strategy to tackle Japan’s low birthrate: noting that sales of kanji instruction books increased when former Prime Minister Aso’s illiteracy came to public attention, ministers aim to encourage more procreation amongst Japanese couples by drawing attention to their own lack of prowess between the sheets.

‘I’m absolutely crap in the sack,’ said Culture Minister Shochu Nakayama at the press conference. ‘I’m often so drunk after a long Diet session that I can’t perform at all. It’s a wonder we ever had a child.’

Womens’ Affairs Minister Masako Ichihashi upset some conservative groups with her comments. ‘My husband must have been a virgin on our wedding night,’ she recalled. ‘He didn’t have a clue, and he was so bashful. It was as if he’d never even spoken to a woman, let alone touched one. I had to do everything for him.’

The public seems to have responded quickly, with bookstores already noticing an increase in sales of sex instruction books. However, a spokesman warned against expecting instant results, suggesting it might take between eight and ten months for any increase in the birthrate to be observed.

Students to be Graded on Shyness

The Education Ministry has announced that from next year, students at high schools in Japan will be graded on their shyness.  Criteria will include reticence with strangers, blushing, and evasion of eye contact, and students considered insufficiently bashful will be held back a year, regardless of their academic performance.


"This measure is absolutely necessary in order to prepare students for life after graduation," explained Ministry spokesman Kazu Hashi. "In school, students can pick up bad habits such as sharing their feelings and opinions, which jar badly with the outside environment. Shyness is a fundamental life skill which students need to master so that they are able to assimilate into wider Japanese society."


Students are eagerly looking forward to the new challenge. "I used to enjoy meeting people and making friends," said Arisa Tanaka, a high school freshman in Chiba, "but now I see I'll have to stop. I'm determined to do my best to be the shyest in my class!"

Research Identifies Gaijin Gene

Researchers at Tokyo's Eugenics Foundation have made a historic breakthrough by finally isolating the gene responsible for gaijin. The ground-breaking findings seem to indicate that gaijin are more closely related to Japanese people than had previously been thought.


'We were taken aback at just how much genetic material gaijin share with we Japanese,' said Foundation chairman Jinshu Sabetsu. 'Not only that, but inserting the gaijin gene into the DNA of a racially pure Japanese mouse produced no discernible change in behaviour. The untrained observer might believe them not to be a separate species at all.'


Future research at the Foundation is likely to focus on finding a practical application for the knowledge. 'Important though it is, identifying the gaijin gene is only a first step,' said Sabetsu. 'We're still a very long way from finding an effective treatment.'

Corpse Disposal Guidelines Spark Controversy

Hachikawa City has prompted controversy by including with its latest garbage collection schedule guidelines for disposing of corpses.

It gives detailed instructions on how to properly dismember corpses and wrap the body parts, and advice on where to purchase suitable hacksaws and impermeable bags.

`Of course, we understand that some residents mights find this to be in poor taste,` said Ichiro Matsui, a spokesman for the city government, `but there have been a number of corpses abandoned lately following murders. We want to preserve an unpolluted environment for all residents, and guard residents from suffering the trauma of tripping over an improperly abandoned corpse while walking their dogs.`

The instructions also warn of the inconvenience caused by biological factors such as rigor mortis and decomposition. `Now the weather is becoming warmer, corpses will rot and start to smell more quickly,` explained Matsui. `We recommend that residents murder their friends and family members on Monday night or Thursday night, dismember them straight away, then put them out for collection the next day.`