Couple to Re-Wed After 'McPastor's Overcorrection

A Japanese couple are to hold a second wedding ceremony after their first was spoiled by constant correction and demands for repetition from the conversation school teacher acting as the priest.

Bride Ayaka Morinaga was deeply upset by the experience. 'He said my "love" sounded like "rub",' she explained, 'and he made me say "love, honour and obey" six or seven times until he was happy. I could tell he was happy because he was smiling.'

'We didn't really care if what we were saying was right or not. We just wanted the superficial romantic experience.'

The teacher was Aaron Huckleworth, a native of Arkansas provided for the occasion by Tokyo-based Pastors'R'Us. 'Teaching is my calling,' he told In Other News by telephone from the Hubgublers Pub in Roppongi. 'How can they be upset at getting a free lesson? Ingrates.'

This is not the first complaint received by Pastors'R'Us. At a society wedding last year, hip-hop DJ Slammo was found to be listening to his iPod while performing the ceremony, after asking the groom 'Do you take this ho to be your lawless wedded bitch?'

The Morinagas are looking forward to their second ceremony, and are taking steps to prepare beforehand. 'We've signed up for English lessons to practice,' said Ayaka, 'and I'm sure we'll learn everything we need from the Mormons.'

Unseasonal Hot-Pot Order Customer Arrested

A Tokyo man was arrested yesterday at a restaurant in Shibuya for attempting to order nabe, a hotpot dish which according to Japanese law may be consumed only between 1^st October and 28^th February each year.

The manager of the restaurant alerted the Season Police after being told of the order, and the man was immediately taken into custody.

Charges have already been brought, and State Prosecutor Maiko Hara intends to seek a custodial sentence. “Actions such as these pose a grave danger to the foundations of Japanese society,” she explained, “and the threat to public order cannot be overstated. We must send a clear message to other diners that such anarchic behavior won’t be tolerated.”

However, the lawyer acting for the accused man is hoping for lenience from the court. “My client is overcome with shame and remorse for his heinous disregard of custom,” said attorney Yuichi Waraba. “He has vowed never again to attempt to decide for himself what he should be allowed to eat, or when.”

The customer is being held in solitary confinement after being subject to abuse and threats from other inmates, and the police are withholding his identity in order to protect his family from reprisals in the face of public anger. A spokesman hinted that if the public mood remains sour, it may be necessary to furnish the man with a new identity.

Ishirahara to Build 1000-mile Bridge to Rocks

In the latest jab of his ongoing dispute with China, Tokyo Governor Ishirahara Shintaro has commissioned the construction of a bridge to Okinotorishima, an atoll of three rocky outcrops in the Philippine Sea some 1740km (1080 miles) south of the capital. The cost of the two-lane bridge will be Y450 trillion, which will be met entirely by an increase in Tokyo residents` tax.

At a press conference yesterday, Ishirahara outlined the rationale behind the project. `This is absolutely necessary to maintain Japan`s national integrity,` he explained. `The racially pure Japanese marine life around the islands will feel secure in their hearts and safe from foreign incursion only if there is a solid concrete link to the fatherland.`

He was angered by a question about whether he stood to benefit personally from the plan. `How dare you suggest any collusion?` he fumed. `I won`t be receiving an honorary directorship and large annual stipend from the construction company, and neither will my son.`

Engineers estimate construction of the bridge will take up to eighty years, while oceanographers predict that by 2060 the atoll will have been either eroded by seawater acidification or completely submerged by rising sea levels.

Adult Movies Open to Product Placement

The Ministry of Culture has announced that from next month, adult movies will be open to a formalized system of product placement. Companies will be able to pay fees to have their products featured prominently in adult movies, the aim being to increase profitability and secure the industry`s future in the face of strong competition from internet erotica.

Reaction within the industry has been overwhelmingly positive. “We`re very happy about this move,” said Masato Beitsu, an executive at Tokyo-based Yummy Movies. “If any ministers would like a discount on orders or an honorary seat on the board after they retire, I`ll be happy to oblige.”

However, some members of the public have expressed concern. “I`m worried about the possible impact on minors,” said Yoshiki Watanabe, a corporate employee in Marunouchi. “If there`s a child next to me while I`m watching porn on the train, it`ll be like exposing them to non-stop subliminal advertising. Kids need protecting from this over-commercialisation of everyday culture.”

A number of adult movie studios have already received proposals to have products placed in their movies. Interested companies are said to include Avex, Pizza Express, and every manga publisher in Japan.

Godzilla Dies at Home Alone

Former mutant hero lizard Godzilla has been found dead at his apartment in Adachi-ku, Tokyo. His body was discovered when pest control officers entered his apartment in response to complaints from neighbours about an infestation of flies.

Despite the flies, local residents have been saddened by his death. `He was a lovely one, always kind and courteous,` said housewife Michiko Tanaka, 63, `he never had a bad word for anyone. It was quite fun to have a celebrity in the neighbourhood, they were a bit envious down at the mah-jong club, I can tell you. `

After rising to prominence during the 1950s and 60s by saving Japan from a succession of gigantic mutant insects and livestock, Godzilla retired from public life and lived largely as a recluse. `He did keep himself to himself mostly,` said Tanaka, `but I didn`t mind that because he looked a bit funny.`

A preliminary autopsy suggests that he died of natural causes.

Satirical News Blog Vanishes Up Own Ass

Popular satirical news blog In Other News has scaled Parnassian heights of pretence by featuring a story about its` featuring a story about itself. Titled Satirical News Blog Vanishes Up Own Ass, the story refers to itself immediately with a slightly confusing description, then repeats the title in the second line before referring to a reference to itself.

Media observers agree that it`s as pretentious as je ne sais quoi, but are divided on the site`s reasons for publishing the story. Some see it as a subversive, post-modern jibe at shallow but obsessively self-promoting online media, wittily undermining its supposed pretentiousness by referring to it throughout, while some think the writers have just run out of ideas.

At the time of writing, no-one from In Other News was available for comment.

Lust in Space: Controversy Over AKB Space Mission

A war of words has broken out between the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) and music producer Avex over the government`s announcement that teen girl group AKB48 are to join Japan`s first manned space mission. Each is accusing the other of applying pressure in order to secure the girls` place on the mission.

JAXA mission chief Suppei Sumannnu is adamant that Avex is the guilty party. “Our first choice was Shoichi Noguchi, after his experience with the Space Shuttle,” explained Sumannu. “However, Avex are determined to raise the group`s profile overseas so they treated the minister to private shows, back-handers and other special gifts.”

For their part, Avex categorically deny Sumannu`s claims. “JAXA are desparate to generate interest among teenage boys, and to raise revenue by selling merchandise,” said spokesman Jeoru Beito. “Our overwhelming concern was for the girls` safety and wellbeing, so when this idea was first suggested we were totally opposed, until we could negotiate a higher percentage of the merchandising profits.”

Regardless of the outcome of the dispute, the mission is scheduled for early next year, and some details have already emerged. The AKB members` faces will be painted on a pink rocket, which will be specially ribbed in order to support the large capsule needed to accommodate all 48 girls. JAXA has admitted that due to a limited supply of pink paint, the capsule is likely to be painted purple.