No Mexican Food: Complaint Record Broken

An American man yesterday broke the long-standing record for the number of consecutive days on which a complaint has been made about the lack of Mexican food in Japan.

Florida native Bob Kleinwiener, 27, has complained at least once on each of the last 1,782 days, the entirety of the four years, ten months and 17 days that he's been resident in Japan.

Mr Kleinwiener celebrates his record

This breaks the previous record held by Kentucky native Duane Maddox, who stopped complaining after 1,781 days only when he fell into a coma.

Mr Kleinwiener has lost his voice twice during his record-breaking run, but continued to bitch across various social media. Asked for a comment, he said: "Where are the good burritos at? I don't care if I've moved as far from Mexico as it's physically possible to be, I'm an American, goddamnit, and I want my burritos now!"

Town Struck By Christmas Bird Thefts

Following Saturday's theft of partridges and pear trees, last night saw the city hit by another set of unusual crimes.

Four calling birds similar to those stolen

Seven different aviaries and petting farms were targeted overnight, evidently for specific breeds of bird, though not all were actually taken.

Three French hens similar to those stolen

The total of birds stolen were: 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, and 36 various calling birds.

Two turtle doves similar to those stolen

Prints found at one aviary match those at the poultry farm from which the partridges were stolen on Saturday, allowing police to connect the two cases. However, a source within the investigation told In Other News that they are still baffled as to any motive.

Police Perplexed by Peartree Partridge Pilfering

In a bizarre criminal coincidence, two local producers fell victim last night to improbably similar thefts.

Some pear trees similar to those at Kobayashi Orchard

Under cover of darkness, twelve pear trees were uprooted and removed from Kobayashi Orchard, while in the same night, exactly twelve partridges were stolen from Suzuki Poultry farm.

A partridge similar to those stolen from Suzuki poultry farm

Despite the apparent similarities, police do not believe the incidents to be connected, and have launched separate investigations. No details have been released yet about potential suspects or motives.

Hours Cut For Government Anti-Overwork Team

The Government committee charged with tackling the culture of overwork in Japanese corporations has cut the number of hours it spends on the task, citing stress and exhaustion.

Whereas it previously sat for eight hours each week to discuss its investigative findings and draft legislation, it will now meet for only one hour weekly, and the amount of time spent on investigation and research will be reduced in proportion.

Committee members hard at work yesterday

Explaining the reasons for the change, committee member Shigo Tokirai told In Other News, "We just don't want to do this. These long hours keep us from seeing our friends and families, and pursuing our interests. Sometimes we don't get to the pub until six thirty, and we're occasionally so tired we have to leave the hostess bar before ten."

The committee now anticipates completing the first draft of their legislation by summer 2023, though by then a number of the members will have retired and joined the boards of Japanese corporations.

Mandatory Red Noses For Foreigners In Japan

From Monday next week, all foreign residents and visitors in Japan are to be required to wear big bright red noses. Failure to wear the noses will incur an on-the-spot fine, or one week in prison.

A foreigner yesterday

The government explained the new regulation at a press conference yesterday. Insularity Ministry spokesman Akano Hana said, "We feel this is an important step for Japanese cultural unity. Both foreigners and Japanese people alike need to remember that foreigners are curiosities, and big clown noses will make sure everyone knows. Do you see what I did there?"

Perhaps surprisingly, some Japanese citizens are opposed. Saitama retiree Sabetsu Oyaji, 76, told In Other News "I don't like it. With my eyesight, I might mistake a foreigner for the Japanese flag. I wouldn't want to bow to a foreigner by mistake."

Another foreigner

However, at least one expatriate welcomes the news. Kansas native Crazy O'Zany, 26, co-presenter of TV show "Happy English Fun Time", told us, "This is great news for me! I have a bright red nose anyway, from the amount of bourbon I drink to forget the existential cancer gnawing at my soul every waking moment, so it'll, what was the question?"

The noses cost JPY500 each, and are available for purchase at airports and immigration offices across Japan. Since Japan has four seasons, the design and shade will change every three months.

Retailer Launches Hallowe'en Goods

Hallowe'en goods have gone on sale today nationwide in every branch of discount outlet Donkey Hands. The chain is hoping to attract Christmas shoppers who wish to prepare early for Hallowe'en next year.

Spokesman Cho Hayaku told In Other News, "We understand that some people may object to our selling Hallowe'en goods eleven months in advance. However, we don't care."

Hallow Kitty, perfect for Christmas

Shoppers have been quick to snap up the Hallowe'en items, with Donkey Hands reporting brisk sales. Tokyo engineer Takashi Suzuki said "I'm glad they've done this, as I can do all my shopping at the same time for Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day, Hallowe'en, and next Christmas."

Overwork Suicide Victim's Mother Praises Daughter's Company Spirit

Yumiko Takamatsu, mother of Manami Takamatsu, an employee of Damitsu Corporation who killed herself last week after working over a hundred hours of unpaid overtime each month, has gone on public record to praise her daughter's dedication to her work.

"I do miss my daughter," she said in a statement released yesterday, "but the extra four ten-thousandths of a percent that her overtime added to half-yearly profits shows that her suffering and death weren't without purpose."

"I just wish she could have hung on a couple of months longer, so the company would have been able to reduce its tax liability by writing off her paid vacation allowance."

A Damitsu employee at 3:00am this morning

Damitsu has welcomed Takamatsu's statement. Spokesman Minaka Roshi said "We're happy to hear of Mrs Takamatsu's selfless attitude, and we hope that she will inspire other employees' families to help boost our competetiveness. Leveraging parents' willingness to bury their children will allow us to deliver value to stockholders for generations to come."

Deadline Looms For Citizens' Summer Uniform Return

The Department of Citizen Apparel (DCA) has reminded citizens of Japan that the deadline for returning their government-issued summer uniform is midnight on October 31.

After this date, anyone found wearing a white shirt with dark horizontal stripes will be subject to an on-the-spot fine of JPY10000.

DCA spokesman Mina Onaji said, "It's important for the maintenance of Japanese culture that all citizens dress the same, in accordance with the changing seasons."

Three citizens in their summer uniforms yesterday

A list of approved autumn colours and styles is available from the DAC website. The season police will be making extra patrols during November to ensure that the citizenry is complying.

Certification Introduced for Gaijin-Botherers

A system of official certification has been introduced for Japanese citizens who wish to pester foreigners for English practice and conversation. Regular training courses and examinations will be held starting next month, and only those with certificates will be permitted to engage in the harassment of foreigners.

There will be three grades of certificate:

• Bronze certificate holders will be able to engage in simple conversation about the weather, sightseeing, and the foreigners' home countries;
• the Silver certificate will allow discussion of current affairs and widely held tiresome stereotypes, such as British peoples' addictions to fish and chips and The Beatles
• those with the Gold certificate will be able to engage in complex interactions, including passive-aggressive comments about selfish foreigners refusing to help Japanese people

Outlining the system at a press conference yesterday, Cultural Agency spokesman Eigo Hara said, "Our intention is to provide a more satisfying experience for everyone involved. Certificate holders will feel more confident in their ability to make unsolicited approaches to foreigners, who in turn will appreciate the effort put in to make the claim on their time."

A Japanese person asking for English practice yesterday

The news has received a cautious welcome from English learners in Japan. "I'm looking forward to receiving my certificate," said Saitama salaryman Takashi Takashima, "but I worry whether the foreigners might tire of hearing the same questions from everyone at the lower levels."

Anticipating demand, a number of English conversation schools have already launched courses to prepare students for the certification exams. Bernovane director of studies Daisuki Okane told In Other News, "Like the government, we see these certificates as a good way of extracting money from the public. Costs to us will be low, because our teachers are already well used to exactly these conversations."

Woman Hospitalized With Burns After Exposure to Sunlight

An elderly woman in Shizuoka was hospitalized yesterday with severe burns after her skin was accidentally exposed to sunlight. Fuyuko Hakujin, 83, remains in intensive care, but her injuries are not thought to be life-threatening.

Mrs Hakujin was wearing tights and leggings tucked into knee-high boots under loose pants; a long-sleeved undershirt, elbow-high gloves, two high-collared blouses, a neckerchief and cravat; a balaclava, a visor, a welder's mask, and a sombrero with a two-foot long veil sewn on by hand.

According to witnesses, Mrs Hakujin bent over to pick up a one-yen coin she had noticed, but as she stretched a small gap was created between her cuff and glove. The exposed skin immediately ignited, and the burning spread quickly across her hand and up her arm, blackening the skin like lit newspaper.

A Japanese woman enjoying the sun yesterday

Fortunately the smoke alerted passers-by, who were able to dunk Mrs Hakujin in a nearby fountain and call emergency services.

Doctors warned In Other News of the need for vigilance against exposure to the sun. "Being superior, Japanese skin is easily flammable," said senior burn surgeon Makoto Hanabi. "I recommend a full bodysuit, a wetsuit or, ideally, staying indoors during sunny weather with all doors and windows shuttered."

NHK Impartiality Questioned After 'Handsome Abe' News

Concerns about the perceived politicisation of Japan's national broadcaster NHK came to the fore yesterday, after Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was gratuitously praised throughout its evening 'NewsLook' show.

A story about new subsidies for concrete producers began with the phrase 'Handsome and honourable leader Shinzo Abe showed that he is better than everyone else', while in other stories he was variously described as 'intelligent' five times; 'cool', 'strong' and 'kind' three times each; 'definitely not racist' twice; and 'stylish' and 'buff as a Calvin Klein model' once each.

Light of the world, Dear Leader Shinzo Abe

NHK has defended itself against accusations of partiality in its coverage. 'It's not true that we're influenced by our wonderful, enlightened - I mean, by the government,' said spokesman Abeno Ningyo. 'When we described noble - when we described Prime Minister Abe as a radiant beacon of goodness, we did so in completely neutral fashion.'

Next month sees the debut on NHK of Shin-Kun-Sen, an animated childrens' show about 'Shinzo the cute patriotic train, defending Nippontown against Hank the Noisy American Train, Chang the Stupid Rude Chinese Train, and Vlad the Evil Russian Train.'

Leaks Expose Trump, Brexit As Japanese Plan

Recent dramatic events in Europe and the US, including the UK's vote to leave the European Union and the rise of Donald Trump, are the result of Japanese espionage, according to documents obtained by In Other News.

Leaked emails exchanged between senior figures in Japan's intelligence community make clear that their actions are part of a wider strategy intended to weaken western nations, both economically and politically.

Some Japanese emails being leaked yesterday

An agent codenamed Butaniku, identified as former UK Prime Minister David Cameron, wrote in one email "I have successfully divided both Europe and the UK, and Operative Godzilla" - a reference to new UK Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson - "is now in place to commence phase two."

Speaking of events in the USA, one email said, "Agent Orange Face has been more successful than we anticipated, and Agent Cute Oyaji deserves great credit for dividing the opposition." Predicting Trump's election as President, he continued, "We can look forward to reveling in the USA's global humiliation, as Japan rises to be a powerful number two in the world."

Pokemon Go Released in Japan: 18m New Residents Discovered

Following the Japanese release today of Pokemon Go, the population of Japan has been discovered to be approximately eighteen million higher than previously thought. Millions of people who left their homes for the first time today in order to play the game had not been included in previous censuses because they never answered the door.

Officials have been caught off guard by the existence of all these extra people. "This has come as a real surprise," said Population Minister Hitoga Daisuki. "We haven't seen anything like this since the extra four million brought out of their homes by the inception of AKB48."

Crowds waiting in Ginza for Pokemon Go to launch 

Some of these residents are finding it difficult to adjust to the world which they have come out into. "I just went through this big hole in my wall, and suddenly there was all this other stuff," said Hikiko Mori, 27, from Saitama. "It looks like the world out of The Matrix, but with more agents."

The government is hopeful that luring more unknown residents out of hiding will boost Japan's population further. There are already plans to create a new boy band, a chain of bakeries offering free cupcakes to anyone without a MyNumber, and an interactive app provisionally called Hello Kitty Vs. Game of Thrones Go.

Japanese High School Hires Parrot As Teaching Assistant

A high school in Saitama prefecture has broken with usual practice by hiring a parrot to assist the Japanese teacher in English lessons, rather than a human native speaker.

The principal of Happy Future High School, Tori Shaberu, defended the move in a statement released yesterday. "We're confident that Porry will help students learn correct English pronunciation just as well as a human teacher," he explained. "She's from England, so speaks with a British accent. As far as I can tell. And, it's Japanese culture, so don't question it."

Porry at work in the classroom

Despite Shaberu's upbeat assessment, some parents of students at the school have expressed concerned about the quality of lessons. Nani Desuka, 39, told In Other News "Since the parrot started, my daughter has just been saying things like 'Pieces of Eight' and 'I'm a parrot of the Carribean'. The previous teacher at least taught useful words related to foreign culture, like 'hangover' and 'all-night session'"

There has also been an unanticipated effect: Porry's squawks of "Who's a pretty boy then?" have reportedly led to an improvement in male students' grooming and personal hygiene as they compete for the bird's attention.

Japan's Annual Wasp Release to Take Place

The Ministry of the Four Seasons has announced that the annual release of enormous aggressive wasps will take place tomorrow. Hundreds of thousands of wasps have been bred in 132 dedicated centers across the country, and the breeding vats will be opened simultaneously nationwide at 11:00am, allowing the wasps to swarm according to local conditions.

Authorities are hoping to avoid a repeat of an incident last year, when the wasps released in Fukui city swarmed on a local performance artist who had stuck sugar to himself with honey. Residents near every breeding center have been advised to wash themselves clean of sweet gooey substances, or to stay inside if they're not able to do so.

Last year's wasp release in Fukui

Some citizens have questioned the need for the wasp release. Saitama teacher Mushiga Kirai, 45, has petitioned the Ministry every year not to continue. "There's absolutely no need to inflict these bastards on the population," he told In Other News. "They serve no useful purpose, they just aggravate people, the same as the Ministry. Don't tell them I said that."

However, the Ministry has dismissed the idea of ceasing the release. Junior minister Jumin Iranai said, "We're well aware that there's absolutely no merit to the release, and the wasps cause nothing but irritation, misery and occasional deaths due to anaphlactic shock. However, a tradition isn't a tradition if it's useful."

Japan to Hold Referendum on Exiting Asia

Prime Minister Shintaro Nabe has announced that the Japanese public are to be allowed to vote on whether Japan should remain part of Asia, in a referendum to be held next year.

Nationalist politician Shiza Ishibara welcomed the move, saying "The Japanese people are tired of being swamped by dozens of foreigners, destroying Japan's ancient and timeless culture, which has remained unchanged since the days of samurai and warlords," in a statement on Twitter.

Sayonara, dirty gaijin

If Japan votes to leave Asia, it would likely impact heavily on trade with China and South Korea. However, Ishibara is confident that Japan would thrive. "We don't need those countries to survive," he said. "We'll be able to negotiate lucrative deals with the Galapagos Islands, possibly also New Caledonia. And when Okinawa votes to leave Japan and remain in Asia, we'll be able to trade with them too."

Tokyo Immigration Center to Relocate to Disneyland

The Ministry of Gaijin announced yesterday that at the start of next month, all Tokyo immigration offices will close, and their operations will move to a new office inside Tokyo Disneyland. Foreigners wishing to renew their visas or change their visa status will be required to enter the park to access the office.

Ministry spokesman Miki Gadaisuki explained, "All foreigners go to Disneyland anyway, and we hear constant reports of how they hate queuing at the Shinagawa office. By moving to Disneyland, we can transform the queuing into a fun time for all the family."

Immigration: the happiest place on Earth

Immigration counters will be positioned near all the rides, and successful visa applicants will receive a fast pass for a ride. "You see, it's more convenient for everyone," said Gadiasuki. "And since Disneyland is in Chiba prefecture, it's easy for overstayers and other violators to go direct to Narita for deportation."

Despite the official nature of the work, the Disney theme will be maintained throughout. Immigration officials will have sparkly new uniforms in bright colours with Mickey ears, and the detention center will double as an attraction during the daytime, with detainees playing inmates of "Super Gaijin Lock-Up Land".

Local Man Unable to Reconcile "Four Seasons" With Existence of Rainy Season

A local resident has told In Other News of the difficulty he is having reconciling two conflicting ideas, the fact of Japan's having four seasons, and the annual rainy season.

Saitama-based recruiter Bob McThorndike, 27, told us "I just don't get it. Everyone tells me Japan has four seasons, but now everyone is talking about rainy season. Is this some inscrutable thing? I'm not a Buddhist. I just don't know who to trust any more."

Rainy season, the fifth of Japan's four seasons

Ministry of Seasons spokesman Haruaki Fuyunatsu said, "While it's absolutely true that Japan has four seasons, we do also have the rainy season. However, while it's a recognised, recurring and officially delineated annual period of forecastable weather, and we use the word season, it's not one of the official four seasons. I trust this has clarified the matter."

Mr McThorndike declined to comment on the Ministry statement.

Church Hires Roppongi Touts

The Christian Church of Kyokai in Tokyo's Kyokai ward has taken a novel approach to attracting worshippers, hiring aggressive touts from Nigeria and other African countries who usually work for nightclubs and bars in Roppongi and Shinjuku.

Pastor Kyle Tomonashi explained, "There's a clear overlap between the two roles. If the clubs were any good, they wouldn't need touts, and the same principle applies to us. Not even the offer of free English lessons from matronly missionaries was getting people in."

Doing the Lord's work

Some residents of Kyokai ward have been surprised by the touts' tactics. Retiree Kazuo Ooka, 73, said, "I was just walking to the store, and this man said, 'Come to church, my friend, you will be the King of my church! We have beer and titties and - no, we have the word of the Lord.' It really saddened me, to be honest, because I would like to see some titties."

Barcode Combover Hairpieces Launched

A range of wigs and hairpieces was launched yesterday by Happy Samson Head Fashion, offering variations on the 'combover' style used by balding men to appear youthfully hirsute and virile. It's available in black, silver, and dark grey, with a range of stripes and hair densities.

At the product launch, company executive Kamino Kei said, "There are hundreds of thousands of men across Japan tired of having to spend time carefully styling their hair every morning. This product will allow them an extra twenty minutes of sleep, unless they want breakfast."

This product features an optional front tuft for extra appeal

Sales are already brisk. Keganai Kenji, a 43-year-old company employee in Shimbashi, told In Other News, "I've bought four, every different width. The straggliest pinstripe one I'll wear when I'm with the boss, so I don't show him up, but when I'm out with my buddies, I'll break out the fifty-fifty and start the partaaay!"