Barcode Combover Hairpieces Launched

A range of wigs and hairpieces was launched yesterday by Happy Samson Head Fashion, offering variations on the 'combover' style used by balding men to appear youthfully hirsute and virile. It's available in black, silver, and dark grey, with a range of stripes and hair densities.

At the product launch, company executive Kamino Kei said, "There are hundreds of thousands of men across Japan tired of having to spend time carefully styling their hair every morning. This product will allow them an extra twenty minutes of sleep, unless they want breakfast."

This product features an optional front tuft for extra appeal

Sales are already brisk. Keganai Kenji, a 43-year-old company employee in Shimbashi, told In Other News, "I've bought four, every different width. The straggliest pinstripe one I'll wear when I'm with the boss, so I don't show him up, but when I'm out with my buddies, I'll break out the fifty-fifty and start the partaaay!"

Government Announces Japan Has Best Media Freedom

The Ministry of Information announced yesterday that, according to research it has performed, Japan has the best record in the world on press freedom. The findings featured on the front page of every newspaper this morning, and are the lead item on every TV and radio news program and news website.

The announcement was made at a press conference attended by invited reporters from every media outlet in Japan. Minister Manabu Shikuso said, "I'll look forward to your all stressing how the government doesn't pressure, interfere or dictate content, remembering that press club memberships are due for renewal soon."

Freedom of the press in action yesterday

Columnist Abeno Ningyo of the Daily Gomiuri newpaper told In Other News, "There can be no doubt that this announcement is absolutely true. I'm sure the research showed it clearly, even though the methods and full results are covered by the Secret State Security Act, as we didn't hear when one reporter wasn't arrested for asking about it."

In Other News fully supports the findings of the Ministry, and we look forward to further announcements on media independence.

"How to Avoid Being Spotted By Other Foreigners" Book Released

Kobansha Press today published an English-language paperback entitled "You Ain't Seen Me", giving detailed instructions on how foreigners can avoid contact with other foreigners, even when walking on the same street. The publishers have not named the author of the book, which was published under the pseudonym "Don T Lookatme".

Author "Don T Lookatme"

According to the introduction, the author was traumatised by his frequent encounters with other foreigners shortly after arriving in Japan, suffering stress migraines as a result of having to decide what to do when he saw another foreigner walking towards him on the street. The book details some techniques he used to avoid such encounters, including the wearing of sunglasses and facemasks, and has an appendix listing numerous home delivery services.

While the publishers have released this book as a limited edition, they are confident that there will be a large market for the forthcoming Japanese translation.

Big Bunch of Keys Voted Mens' Best Feature

According to the results of a poll of young women taken by the National Institute of Research, the feature they find most attractive in a man is a big bunch of keys. Fully 85% chose this as the top option, compared with just 9% opting for sense of humour, and 3% for career.

Kagi Mitai, a student at Tokyo Happy University, said "I don't care about a man's looks or personality. Only his keys are interesting." Her friend Ooka Gisuki added, "The bigger and janglier a man's bunch of keys, the more I'll like him. Keys are so important in a man."

A superfly guy showing off what makes him cool

This result is borne out by anecdotal evidence from men. Tomohiro Daikagi, 22, told In Other News "I never used to have any luck with women, despite my nice parting and expensive fake glasses, but as soon as I hung a big load of keys from my belt, I had women chasing me down the street. And as I ran, the jangling just attracted the attention of more women, but I'm pretty unfit, so they could catch me easily."

Results of the surveys taken of middle-aged and elderly women showed similar surprising results, with middle-aged women most impressed by a plaid shirt buttoned up to the collar, and elderly women taken by a barcode comb-over fluttering gracefully in the spring winds.

Yakuza Graduate Interns Start Training

Nagoya yakuza syndicate Yamakawa-Gumi announced yesterday that it has accepted as interns thirty new graduates from local universities, who will gain hands-on experience in all aspects of organized crime. The placements will last for six months, with possible extensions depending on performance, and the possibility of permanent employment for outstanding students.

This change in recruitment strategy was explained at a press conference yesterday. "The declining birthrate has led to a smaller pool of potential recruits," said spokesman Mujaki Shinda in the syndicate's media center. "Fortunately, our colleagues in the American banking industry were able to engineer a global economic downturn, leading now to fewer opportunities for new graduates in the vanilla economy."

An intern training in negotiation skills

The interns are all enthusiastic about the opportunities. Asana Kurokawa, a liberal arts major from Kobe Happy University, said "This will be a great way to learn quickly the skills I'll need for work at a large corporation, such as enduring power harassment and suppressing my personal ethics."

If the program is successful, the syndicate plans to continue taking on graduates. "We're confident that some of the interns will pass probation and become full-time members," said Shinda. "And we've already applied to have booths at next year's university recruitment fairs, at a discounted rate, if they value their buildings."

Rate of Death of Youthful Dreams Reaches New High

In the first week of April every year, when new graduates enter the workforce at their companies, there's a customary spike in the mortality rate of youthful dreams.

Even this early in the month, however, the Bureau of Statistics has announced that this rate has reached a new high. For every 100,000 graduates starting employment, the number realizing that their futures hold nothing but soul-eroding drudgery is 17,844, an increase of 219 from last year.

Two men about to spend their entire lives in futile corporate servitude

Bureau officials believe that the internet is partly responsible for the rise. "The spread of social media has made it difficult for companies to effectively conceal the reality of working life," sad BoS clerk Haru Karoshi. "It's easy for new employees to learn from old hands that working life will be an inescapable cycle of long routine days and insufficent sleep, exhausting their will to live before they reach 25."

This is borne out by anecdotal evidence from companies. Kanago Nao, a recent graduate from Nagoya Happiness University, told In Other News, "I hoped that starting work would give me the time and money to pursue my interests in music and dance, but after two days I know that's hopeless, and I can already feel my spirit wilting like last week's flowers. Life is just going to be a slog, like pushing rocks through knee-deep mud, and any free time I ever have, I'll just spend weeping quietly."

The Ministry of Employment and Welfare has already responded to the increase. "The government will encourage companies to hire year-round, rather than only in April," explained Karoshi. "That way, the spike will disappear, which will mean young people must have become happier."

New Law Outlaws Spring Weather Complaints

A new bill was passed into law yesterday, making it an offence to complain about the weather between February 1st and May 30th each year. Offenders will face up to three years in prison, or deportation if they are foreign residents or visitors from overseas.

Proposing lawmaker Haru Daisuki explained to In Other News the rationale behind the Protection of National Cultural Identity (Spring Weather) Act. "Spring is the season of cherry blossoms, a treasured week in Japan," he said. "To suggest that the other three months of spring are imperfect is a vicious assault on the heart of the nation, and would be so even if it were ever cold and rainy, which never happens."

The weather in spring, every day, every year

One Saitama resident has already been detained by the Season Police under the new law, after being overhead allegedly muttering "samui" ("it's cold") on a snowbound station platform. He has been moved to an undisclosed location after an angry mob formed outside the station, chanting "Traitor! Traitor!" from under their umbrellas.