Cars Shame Name Policy Backfires

Correspondent: Guido Fitzpatrick

Statistics released yesterday show that a government policy requiring automakers to give conventional gasoline-powered vehicles embarrassing names with the objective of reducing sales has backfired.  Over the past six months, domestic sales of cars with the humiliating names increased by 7%, rather than a hoped-for reduction of 25%.

Economy Ministry spokesman Yamada Taro explained, 'Our aim was to increase "green" vehicle ownership through a reduction in gasoline-powered car purchases.  However, it seems that names such as the Toyota Magic Chucklebus and the Nissan Feathered Ladyboy haven't had the desired deterrent effect.'

Industry analyst Kuruma Daisuke commented, 'Exports have dropped sharply, as the names were effective in putting off overseas drivers.  However, the Ministry didn't account for the domestic market consisting mainly of undiscerning, intellectually arrested metrosexual men-children for whom the name Honda Mincing Nancy has no negative connotation.'

The Ministry has acted quickly in assembling a task force to draft a list of names more likely to deter Japanese men.  It has already recommended the Mitsubishi Loose Tie, the Subaru Rough Unshaven Skin and the Misuzu I Don't Like Disney.

Government to Tackle Problems by Looking Away

At a press conference in Nagatacho yesterday, the government announced that its new strategy for dealing with the manifold problems facing Japan will be to turn around and look in a different direction.

'Imagine I'm walking by a river, and I see a homeless person,' explained spokesman Kurokke Meganai. 'If I turn and look away, I can't see him any more, so he isn't really there and the problem is solved.'

This marks an abrupt change from the government's previous policy of burying their heads in the sand.  According to Meganai, this was marred by the occasional need to surface for air, at which point the problems would reappear.

'The number of challenges we face is increasing all the time,' said Meganai.  'By adopting this apporach we'll be able to deal with them quickly and effectively.  If there are any questions, I'll just turn around.'

Gaijingle Bells

In a controversial move, the government has announced that all foreign residents in Japan will be required to wear small bells around their necks.  The law will come into effect from next month, and foreigners found outside without their bells will be liable to fines or prison sentences.

Justice Ministry spokesman Suppai Imo explained, 'There are a lot of Japanese people who have a deeply-held fear of foreigners, and it's impractical for us to tackle such an entrenched prejudice, especially when we share it.  This move will allow us to perpetuate that fear and use it to our political advantage.'

Public reaction to the announcement has been mixed. 'I'm really happy about this,' said housewife Megumi Kashima. 'When I hear the bell I'll know there's a gaijin approaching, and that'll give me a few seconds to get my children indoors.'

Scott 'The S Man' Golfingstein, a broker from Roppongi, was unimpressed. 'Only a bell?' he said. 'If I'm to warn all the J-chicks that the S-Man is on his way I should get an airhorn. Whoooooooo!'

Schoolgirl 'Robbed' of Nobel Peace Prize

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

Miki Heiwa, a 3rd year high school student from Tokyo, has claimed she was unfairly denied this year's Nobel Peace Prize.  'It's a total injustice that I didn't win,' cried the visibly distraught 17-year-old. 'After all, I've been good to my grandmother, I've shown the peace sign hundreds of times at print club, and I didn't start a single war.'

Pressed to defend the Nobel Committee's decision, a spokesman said 'Of course, Miss Heiwa was a leading candidate. Unfortunately, she was seen last week at Disneyland kicking a queue-jumper in the groin.'

Report Pins Marie Celeste on North Korea

A report released yesterday by the Japanese Foreign Ministry claims that the crew of the Marie Celeste, a merchant ship found abandoned off the coast of Portugal in 1872, were likely abducted by North Korean agents.  The investigation was prompted by a student at Tokyo University who read about the ship in a textbook, then wrote to the Ministry every day demanding action.

The report acknowledges that the incident took place over eighty years before Korea was divided into North and South, and that sailing from Korea to Portugal to kidnap a load of sailors seems like more effort than it's worth.  However, it states that 'In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, we must conclude that the crew of the Marie Celeste were abducted and forced to train North Korean agents in English and seamanship.'

The Ministry is currently investigating claims by the same student that North Korean agents were responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, Japan's defeat on penalties by Paraguay in last year's World Cup, and the death of Bambi's mother.

Japan Opens Panties Market to Imports

Traditionally, Japanese men have bought schoolgirls' panties to fulfil their sordid whims. However, recent demographic trends have reduced the number of pre-loved undergarments available, while demand continues to swell. So in a bold move, the government yesterday ended decades of protectionism by lifting the ban on imports of used panties, opening the market for the first time to competition from overseas.

European design houses such as Louis Vuitton and Prada have been swift to act, announcing plans to launch lines of panties worn at exclusive finishing schools in really hot countries. And Maria Sharapova is considering opening a tennis academy to source panties, which will be sold with an accompanying photograph and personal testimony.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Trade said, 'The rising number of single middle-aged men, neets and geeks meant that supply just couldn't keep up with demand. As a patriot, I prefer fragrant Japanese maidenhood myself, but we have to recognise that globalisation has opened pervs' minds to a wide world of lingerie culture.'

Singing to Replace Speeches

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

The influence of J-Pop supergroup AKB-48 has now spread to politics; their system of periodic surveys to determine their fans' favourite members is to be adopted for Japan's parliamentary elections.

'The public are sick and tired of anonymous backroom deals deciding who leads Japan,' explained political analyst Seiji Baka. 'AKB-48 elections show how a true democracy should work.'

A CD will be released every six months on which politicians sing their manifesto promises, and purchasers will be able to vote in upcoming elections.  The winner becomes Prime Minister, with the other highest vote-getters forming the cabinet.

Foreign governments have responded largely positively to the plan. 'We're very pleased with this,' commented one senior US official. 'We had a very hard time taking Japanese politics seriously after Koizumi's Elvis impersonation. Now, we don't even have to try.'