Traditionally, Japanese men have bought schoolgirls' panties to fulfil their sordid whims. However, recent demographic trends have reduced the number of pre-loved undergarments available, while demand continues to swell. So in a bold move, the government yesterday ended decades of protectionism by lifting the ban on imports of used panties, opening the market for the first time to competition from overseas.
European design houses such as Louis Vuitton and Prada have been swift to act, announcing plans to launch lines of panties worn at exclusive finishing schools in really hot countries. And Maria Sharapova is considering opening a tennis academy to source panties, which will be sold with an accompanying photograph and personal testimony.
A spokesman for the Ministry of Trade said, 'The rising number of single middle-aged men, neets and geeks meant that supply just couldn't keep up with demand. As a patriot, I prefer fragrant Japanese maidenhood myself, but we have to recognise that globalisation has opened pervs' minds to a wide world of lingerie culture.'
Saturday 20 August 2011
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Singing to Replace Speeches
Correspondent: Riot Bunny
The influence of J-Pop supergroup AKB-48 has now spread to politics; their system of periodic surveys to determine their fans' favourite members is to be adopted for Japan's parliamentary elections.
'The public are sick and tired of anonymous backroom deals deciding who leads Japan,' explained political analyst Seiji Baka. 'AKB-48 elections show how a true democracy should work.'
A CD will be released every six months on which politicians sing their manifesto promises, and purchasers will be able to vote in upcoming elections. The winner becomes Prime Minister, with the other highest vote-getters forming the cabinet.
Foreign governments have responded largely positively to the plan. 'We're very pleased with this,' commented one senior US official. 'We had a very hard time taking Japanese politics seriously after Koizumi's Elvis impersonation. Now, we don't even have to try.'
The influence of J-Pop supergroup AKB-48 has now spread to politics; their system of periodic surveys to determine their fans' favourite members is to be adopted for Japan's parliamentary elections.
'The public are sick and tired of anonymous backroom deals deciding who leads Japan,' explained political analyst Seiji Baka. 'AKB-48 elections show how a true democracy should work.'
A CD will be released every six months on which politicians sing their manifesto promises, and purchasers will be able to vote in upcoming elections. The winner becomes Prime Minister, with the other highest vote-getters forming the cabinet.
Foreign governments have responded largely positively to the plan. 'We're very pleased with this,' commented one senior US official. 'We had a very hard time taking Japanese politics seriously after Koizumi's Elvis impersonation. Now, we don't even have to try.'
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