Church Hires Roppongi Touts

The Christian Church of Kyokai in Tokyo's Kyokai ward has taken a novel approach to attracting worshippers, hiring aggressive touts from Nigeria and other African countries who usually work for nightclubs and bars in Roppongi and Shinjuku.

Pastor Kyle Tomonashi explained, "There's a clear overlap between the two roles. If the clubs were any good, they wouldn't need touts, and the same principle applies to us. Not even the offer of free English lessons from matronly missionaries was getting people in."

Doing the Lord's work

Some residents of Kyokai ward have been surprised by the touts' tactics. Retiree Kazuo Ooka, 73, said, "I was just walking to the store, and this man said, 'Come to church, my friend, you will be the King of my church! We have beer and titties and - no, we have the word of the Lord.' It really saddened me, to be honest, because I would like to see some titties."

Barcode Combover Hairpieces Launched

A range of wigs and hairpieces was launched yesterday by Happy Samson Head Fashion, offering variations on the 'combover' style used by balding men to appear youthfully hirsute and virile. It's available in black, silver, and dark grey, with a range of stripes and hair densities.

At the product launch, company executive Kamino Kei said, "There are hundreds of thousands of men across Japan tired of having to spend time carefully styling their hair every morning. This product will allow them an extra twenty minutes of sleep, unless they want breakfast."

This product features an optional front tuft for extra appeal

Sales are already brisk. Keganai Kenji, a 43-year-old company employee in Shimbashi, told In Other News, "I've bought four, every different width. The straggliest pinstripe one I'll wear when I'm with the boss, so I don't show him up, but when I'm out with my buddies, I'll break out the fifty-fifty and start the partaaay!"

Government Announces Japan Has Best Media Freedom

The Ministry of Information announced yesterday that, according to research it has performed, Japan has the best record in the world on press freedom. The findings featured on the front page of every newspaper this morning, and are the lead item on every TV and radio news program and news website.

The announcement was made at a press conference attended by invited reporters from every media outlet in Japan. Minister Manabu Shikuso said, "I'll look forward to your all stressing how the government doesn't pressure, interfere or dictate content, remembering that press club memberships are due for renewal soon."

Freedom of the press in action yesterday

Columnist Abeno Ningyo of the Daily Gomiuri newpaper told In Other News, "There can be no doubt that this announcement is absolutely true. I'm sure the research showed it clearly, even though the methods and full results are covered by the Secret State Security Act, as we didn't hear when one reporter wasn't arrested for asking about it."

In Other News fully supports the findings of the Ministry, and we look forward to further announcements on media independence.