Ishirahara to Build 1000-mile Bridge to Rocks

In the latest jab of his ongoing dispute with China, Tokyo Governor Ishirahara Shintaro has commissioned the construction of a bridge to Okinotorishima, an atoll of three rocky outcrops in the Philippine Sea some 1740km (1080 miles) south of the capital. The cost of the two-lane bridge will be Y450 trillion, which will be met entirely by an increase in Tokyo residents` tax.

At a press conference yesterday, Ishirahara outlined the rationale behind the project. `This is absolutely necessary to maintain Japan`s national integrity,` he explained. `The racially pure Japanese marine life around the islands will feel secure in their hearts and safe from foreign incursion only if there is a solid concrete link to the fatherland.`

He was angered by a question about whether he stood to benefit personally from the plan. `How dare you suggest any collusion?` he fumed. `I won`t be receiving an honorary directorship and large annual stipend from the construction company, and neither will my son.`

Engineers estimate construction of the bridge will take up to eighty years, while oceanographers predict that by 2060 the atoll will have been either eroded by seawater acidification or completely submerged by rising sea levels.

Adult Movies Open to Product Placement

The Ministry of Culture has announced that from next month, adult movies will be open to a formalized system of product placement. Companies will be able to pay fees to have their products featured prominently in adult movies, the aim being to increase profitability and secure the industry`s future in the face of strong competition from internet erotica.

Reaction within the industry has been overwhelmingly positive. “We`re very happy about this move,” said Masato Beitsu, an executive at Tokyo-based Yummy Movies. “If any ministers would like a discount on orders or an honorary seat on the board after they retire, I`ll be happy to oblige.”

However, some members of the public have expressed concern. “I`m worried about the possible impact on minors,” said Yoshiki Watanabe, a corporate employee in Marunouchi. “If there`s a child next to me while I`m watching porn on the train, it`ll be like exposing them to non-stop subliminal advertising. Kids need protecting from this over-commercialisation of everyday culture.”

A number of adult movie studios have already received proposals to have products placed in their movies. Interested companies are said to include Avex, Pizza Express, and every manga publisher in Japan.

Godzilla Dies at Home Alone

Former mutant hero lizard Godzilla has been found dead at his apartment in Adachi-ku, Tokyo. His body was discovered when pest control officers entered his apartment in response to complaints from neighbours about an infestation of flies.

Despite the flies, local residents have been saddened by his death. `He was a lovely one, always kind and courteous,` said housewife Michiko Tanaka, 63, `he never had a bad word for anyone. It was quite fun to have a celebrity in the neighbourhood, they were a bit envious down at the mah-jong club, I can tell you. `

After rising to prominence during the 1950s and 60s by saving Japan from a succession of gigantic mutant insects and livestock, Godzilla retired from public life and lived largely as a recluse. `He did keep himself to himself mostly,` said Tanaka, `but I didn`t mind that because he looked a bit funny.`

A preliminary autopsy suggests that he died of natural causes.

Satirical News Blog Vanishes Up Own Ass

Popular satirical news blog In Other News has scaled Parnassian heights of pretence by featuring a story about its` featuring a story about itself. Titled Satirical News Blog Vanishes Up Own Ass, the story refers to itself immediately with a slightly confusing description, then repeats the title in the second line before referring to a reference to itself.

Media observers agree that it`s as pretentious as je ne sais quoi, but are divided on the site`s reasons for publishing the story. Some see it as a subversive, post-modern jibe at shallow but obsessively self-promoting online media, wittily undermining its supposed pretentiousness by referring to it throughout, while some think the writers have just run out of ideas.

At the time of writing, no-one from In Other News was available for comment.

Lust in Space: Controversy Over AKB Space Mission

A war of words has broken out between the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) and music producer Avex over the government`s announcement that teen girl group AKB48 are to join Japan`s first manned space mission. Each is accusing the other of applying pressure in order to secure the girls` place on the mission.

JAXA mission chief Suppei Sumannnu is adamant that Avex is the guilty party. “Our first choice was Shoichi Noguchi, after his experience with the Space Shuttle,” explained Sumannu. “However, Avex are determined to raise the group`s profile overseas so they treated the minister to private shows, back-handers and other special gifts.”

For their part, Avex categorically deny Sumannu`s claims. “JAXA are desparate to generate interest among teenage boys, and to raise revenue by selling merchandise,” said spokesman Jeoru Beito. “Our overwhelming concern was for the girls` safety and wellbeing, so when this idea was first suggested we were totally opposed, until we could negotiate a higher percentage of the merchandising profits.”

Regardless of the outcome of the dispute, the mission is scheduled for early next year, and some details have already emerged. The AKB members` faces will be painted on a pink rocket, which will be specially ribbed in order to support the large capsule needed to accommodate all 48 girls. JAXA has admitted that due to a limited supply of pink paint, the capsule is likely to be painted purple.

Prime Minister`s Office to Get Revolving Door

In a move long anticipated by political observers, the traditional hinged door to the Prime Minister`s office in the Diet building is to be replaced with a revolving door. The hinges on the existing door are thought to have become completely worn down owing to the frequent changes of Prime Minister in recent years.

Diet Fittings Overseer Kenji Yamataka explained the reasons for the change. `We did consider continuing with a hinged door,` he said, `but we don`t foresee any change in the rapid rate of Prime Ministerial turnover. We felt that the substantially longer lifespan of a revolving door will more than justify the additional cost.`

However, seekers of political reform are unimpressed. `It may save a bit of money,` said Nao Oneva of campaign group Citizens for Change, `but this will have zero impact on how the country is governed. A better way to motivate our leaders to perform better would be to replace the Prime Minister`s chair with an ejector seat, or to fit a trapdoor over a shark-filled pool.`

The revolving door will be fitted in time for the new Prime Minister to take office next week, shortly before he faces a no confidence vote.

Passers-by Suffer Ear Injuries at Noise Pollution Protest

At a protest against noise pollution staged yesterday outside Sagami-Ono station in Kanagawa, a number of passers-by suffered injuries as serious as perforated eardrums, owing to the high volume of the protesters` PA system. Measurements indicate that the noise level reached 120 decibels, equivalent to a Boeing 747 flying through the station.

Organizer Shizuka Onegai explained the reasons for the protest. “People are tired of having their peace constantly disrupted by the ceaseless noise from announcements, military aircraft and store jingles,” she said. “Unfortunately, we weren`t getting peoples` attention just by using our loudhailers, so we decided to use our PA system, turned up to eleven.”

However, this also failed to get the message across. “I couldn`t hear a word of what they were saying,” said one Sagami-Ono resident. “The volume was so high that it was completely distorting the sound, then when I went to ask them to turn it down, I had to shout to make myself heard over their generator.”

Despite the harm to passers-by and the lack of response from the public, Onegai remained undeterred. “We do regret these injuries,” she said, “but we think this is the most effective way of conveying our message. We`ll continue to campaign long and loud for the sake of peace and quiet.”

Teams for Two: Japanese Baseball League to Reduce from Twelve Teams to Two

The Japan Baseball Federation has announced that from 2014, the number of professional baseball teams will be reduced from twelve to two. This will be achieved by mergers of the six teams making up each of the Central and Pacific Leagues, to leave two teams who will play each other 140 times a year to determine the championship.

At a press conference yesterday, Oyaji Nobaka of the JBF explained the reasoning behind the move. "Projections show that by 2050, the population of Japan will decline to 80 million," he said. "This is obviously far too small to support such a huge number of teams, so we`ve had to make this decision to secure the future of the sport."

However, fans across Japan are unhappy with the proposal. "It`s not going to be the same," complained Yakyu Otaku, a fan in Tokyo. "I`m going to miss the variety of all the many different team uniforms and players. I always change allegiance every year and become a fan of the champions, but now I might have to support the same team for more than one year."

Despite this reception from fans such as Otaku, Nobaka is confident that fans will come to accept the new format. "It may be difficult at first," he said, "but to provide some continuity for fans, we will be retaining the teams` names. I`m sure they`ll be there in their thousands to cheer on the Pacific GoldenHawkLionMarineBuffaloFighters and the Central GianStarTigerDragonSwallowCarps."

Japanese Man Witnesses Mystery of Foreigners` `Beer Ceremony`

In an exclusive interview with In Other News, Tokyo resident Masumu Yusehara has told of how he was able to witness a group of foreigners performing their ancient traditional `Beer Ceremony`.

“I was at The Hubgublers British Pub in Roppongi,” he recalled. “I`d just gone for a drink with some colleagues after work. I had no idea that this ritual was going to be taking place.”

According to research by cultural anthropologists at Tokyo Ushiunko University, this `Beer Ceremony` can take a number of forms. It appears that Yusehara witnessed what is known as a `round`.

“First, the group of foreigners nominated one of the group to approach the serving altar,” he recounted. “The serving master poured the beer in the same way as his ancestors did hundreds of years ago, and I could feel the centuries of tradition in the way he set the beer down reverently on the altar surface.

“After that, the nominated one made an offering to the master, then carried the beer back to the group, careful not to spill a single drop of the precious nectar. Finally, the group tapped their glasses together, then they all drank simultaneously, an action deeply symbolic of their foreign cultural oneness. I feel privileged to have been able to experience this ceremony in an authentic setting.”

Inspired by what he saw, Yusehara plans to travel to England to gain deeper understanding of the profound cultural symbolism of the ceremony. He hopes also to be able to witness the `Curry Ceremony`, the `Kebab Ceremony` and the `Fight Ceremony.`

Contagious Foreigners to be Quarantined

The Justice Ministry has announced that from next month, sick foreigners are to be barred from entering Japan. Immigration officials will administer a brief health test to non-Japanese citizens on arrival, and any found to be carrying contagious diseases such as colds or influenza will be detained in quarantine for a minimum of one week.

Ministry spokesman Kazuo Suzuki said, `Taking fingerprints and photographs has yielded unprecedented success in reducing the incidence of infection across Japan.  Our aim is to eradicate disease completely, so I hope the foreign community will show understanding of our need to take this measure.`

However, critics have raised concerns about how the plan is to be implemented.  `If one member of a family is contagious, will the entire family be quarantined?` asked foreign disease specialist Megumi Nakano.  `And tourists may find themselves being detained for the entire duration of their stay, or longer.`

Suzuki answered her concerns by outlining measures for dealing with such situations.  `There will be a special wing for families, where visitation will be allowed every day,` he explained.  `And for tourists we`ll provide travelogue DVDs, an on-site gift shop, and fast-track deportation for anyone who overstays.`

City to Exploit Mugabe Connection

Since Barack Obama's victory in the 2008 US Presidential election, Obama City in Fukui Prefecture has experienced a boost in its fortunes, with increased visitor numbers bringing more income to the city's businesses.  Inspired by this, the Niigata-ken city of Mugabei has decided to try and emulate Obama's success by playing up its links to the Zimbabwean leader.

'Everyone in the city is very proud of our links with President Mugabe,' explained City Council leader Hirofumi Tanaka.  'Despite his bad reputation, his country shares many traditions with our city, such as a history of pastoral agriculture, and a propensity towards violent intimidation of white people.'

Tanaka has proposed a cultural exchange in order to raise the city's profile in both Zimbabwe and Japan.  'There are a lot of retirees here whose wartime experience Mugabe-sama might find useful,' he explained. 'And in their turn, they're keen to build harmony and mutual understanding with the people of Zimbabwe, by educating them in the Japanese crafts of bayoneting and torture.'