Rail Operator Hires Gropers as Platform Staff

In a move which has polarised opinion among industry observers, nationwide rail operator Speedy Rail is targeting gropers to recruit as platform staff at its 385 stations. They aim to have at least one groper on duty at every station by the end of the quarter.

New recruits at work yesterday

Company spokeswoman Chika Nagogo explained the policy at a press conference yesterday. "These employees are happier to work unsocial hours than those with family commitments," she said. "They're also very familiar with schedules and with platform and train layouts, particularly the location of the women-only cars."

The company has been quick to address concerns about the security of female passengers. "These recruits can be identified by special large padded gloves," explained Ms Nagogo, "which have tight wristbands to reduce sensation in the hands and make groping less rewarding. The gloves also are less uncomfortable for passengers being pushed into a full train."

Japan Calls For Worldwide Tattoo Ban, Cites "Insult to Culture"

The Japanese government submitted a resolution to the United Nations yesterday, intended to secure the closure of every tattoo parlour in the world outside Japan, and to outlaw the wearing of tattoos by non-Japanese. The resolution will be debated at a special session to be held next week.

The reasons for the move were set out in a press statement, which said, "A study by the University of Great Japan has established that all tattooing activity across the world is an attack on our ancient civilization.

"People with tattoos even have the arrogance to visit Japan, an absolute affront to the highly developed sensitivities of the Japanese people. Since our purpose in joining the UN was to advance Japanese interests, it's only proper that we use this forum to repel this assault."

Tattoo taboo: heroically resisting evil tattoo culture

Some owners of tattoo parlours have already expressed readiness to comply if the resolution is passed. "They've totally got me," said Duane Harley, 53, owner of Kapow! Tattoos in Prairie Dust Junction, Montana. "The only reason I opened was to insult Japan and its people, the same as every other tattoo artist I know. We all screen customers carefully to make sure their only motivation for getting a tattoo is a deep-rooted desire to offend Japanese culture and tradition, and I also give a discount to anyone planning to visit Japan and aggravate the locals."

Lawmakers contacted by In Other News are hopeful that the resolution will be passed smoothly. This would pave the way for the submission of future resolutions to tackle other anti-Japanese behaviour such as dyeing hair, refusing to wear surgical masks, and being tall.

Government Revises Target for Setting Targets

The government announced yesterday a downward revision of the number of arbitrary targets it aims to set this fiscal year. Instead of the initial target of 74, the new goal for target-setting is 22, a reduction of some 70%.

The reasons for this move were explained at a press conference held at the Diet. "Setting 74 targets which we have no intention of meeting would oblige us to explain a great deal of inaction," said Chief Cabinet Secretary Kenta Yura, "which would be a waste of taxpayers' money. This lower figure means there's much less action to avoid, and since this is a new target, it counts itself towards the revised goal."

Hooray! A target being met yesterday

Some political observers have reacted cynically, suggesting that the adjustment is simply a ploy to ensure that the target is met. If the goal of 22 is reached, then the government will have met its target of five consecutive years of meeting the target-setting target.