A World of Waiting Awaits at New Theme Park `LineLand`

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

At Japan`s newest theme park, the attraction is that there are no attractions; at `LineLand`, opening next week, it`s all about waiting in line.

With no rides at the end, the variety will be provided by different widths of line, which move at different rates, and LineLand employees posing as customers will provide different demographic make-ups.

`Our market research suggests that this is just what people want,` explains entrepreneur owner Hayashi Yoshiro. `Visitors to Tokyo DisneyLand spend 78% of their time waiting in line, so it`s clear that the waiting is the main part of the experience. I thought, why not make it 100%?`

At least one Tokyoite agrees with him. `I often wait two or three hours for a ride at DisneyLand,` explains company employee Ohtsuka Chihiro, `and after that long, the ride can sometimes be disappointing.  I know that at LineLand, I can enjoy the wait, knowing that I won`t be let down at the end. I`m especially looking forward to the Two-Hour 30% High School Boys ThunderLine.`

Special advance tickets for the opening day go on sale at 8:00am tomorrow at LineLand`s Tokyo head office, where there is already a three-kilometer line.

Cyber Grottoes Sabotaged

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

Toshibishi Corporation yesterday announced that it is temporarily closing its entire network of holographic CGI Santa`s Grottoes installed in department stores and malls across the nation.  This is in response to a flood of complaints from parents of children left confused and upset by their experiences.

It`s thought that a disgruntled former employee reprogrammed the central management system of the network, over-riding the traditional interaction program relating to presents, chimneys and being good little boys and girls.  Instead of saying `Ho, ho, ho` the HoloSantas would greet children with `Oh no, not another one,` and the question `What would you like for Christmas?` was replaced with `Shouldn`t you be helping the world`s poor and disadvantaged instead of indulging in this obscene orgy of consumerism and gluttony?`

`My little girl cried for an hour,` lamented one parent in Yokohama.  `She was looking forward to a nice chat with Santa, but instead she got a lecture about the plight of Somali refugees, and she started wanting to give money to charity instead of buying presents.  It took me ages to convince her that`s not what Christmas is about.`

However, in an anonymous email sent to In Other News, the perpetrator remains unrepentant.  `That`ll teach them to cut my hours,` said `Kurisu Kuringuru` in the email.  `Of course, my main aim is to draw attention to the over-commercialisation of Christmas and the leaching away of its spiritual depth, but if they lose money closing the grottoes it`ll serve the bastards right.  Peace.`

Happy Fun Party Time, or Else

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

The government raised eyebrows last week by announcing that from 21st to 27th December, all residents of Japan will be required to wear Christmas costumes.  Anyone failing to wear the festive garb, to be issued shortly, will face an on-the-spot fine of Y50000.

`Our aim is twofold`, explained Cabinet Secretary Hosoyuki Hiroda, sporting reindeer antlers. `As well as boosting the domestic apparel industry, this demonstrates our heartfelt commitment to worldwide intercultural understanding.`

The plan has received a mixed reception from the public.  `I`m all for it,` said Eiichi Kuroitaka, a homeless man in Ueno Park.  `I usually get my Santa outfit from the trash on the 26th, so it`ll be nice to have a clean one.`

Predictably, right-wing groups are opposed.  `We`re totally outraged at this affront to Japanese dignity and culture,` said the driver of one nationalist minivan.  `However, we`re prepared to compromise by wearing Santa hats as we broadcast our patriotic message.  We don`t want to be complete party-poopers.`