Godzilla Dies at Home Alone

Former mutant hero lizard Godzilla has been found dead at his apartment in Adachi-ku, Tokyo. His body was discovered when pest control officers entered his apartment in response to complaints from neighbours about an infestation of flies.

Despite the flies, local residents have been saddened by his death. `He was a lovely one, always kind and courteous,` said housewife Michiko Tanaka, 63, `he never had a bad word for anyone. It was quite fun to have a celebrity in the neighbourhood, they were a bit envious down at the mah-jong club, I can tell you. `

After rising to prominence during the 1950s and 60s by saving Japan from a succession of gigantic mutant insects and livestock, Godzilla retired from public life and lived largely as a recluse. `He did keep himself to himself mostly,` said Tanaka, `but I didn`t mind that because he looked a bit funny.`

A preliminary autopsy suggests that he died of natural causes.

Satirical News Blog Vanishes Up Own Ass

Popular satirical news blog In Other News has scaled Parnassian heights of pretence by featuring a story about its` featuring a story about itself. Titled Satirical News Blog Vanishes Up Own Ass, the story refers to itself immediately with a slightly confusing description, then repeats the title in the second line before referring to a reference to itself.

Media observers agree that it`s as pretentious as je ne sais quoi, but are divided on the site`s reasons for publishing the story. Some see it as a subversive, post-modern jibe at shallow but obsessively self-promoting online media, wittily undermining its supposed pretentiousness by referring to it throughout, while some think the writers have just run out of ideas.

At the time of writing, no-one from In Other News was available for comment.

Lust in Space: Controversy Over AKB Space Mission

A war of words has broken out between the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) and music producer Avex over the government`s announcement that teen girl group AKB48 are to join Japan`s first manned space mission. Each is accusing the other of applying pressure in order to secure the girls` place on the mission.

JAXA mission chief Suppei Sumannnu is adamant that Avex is the guilty party. “Our first choice was Shoichi Noguchi, after his experience with the Space Shuttle,” explained Sumannu. “However, Avex are determined to raise the group`s profile overseas so they treated the minister to private shows, back-handers and other special gifts.”

For their part, Avex categorically deny Sumannu`s claims. “JAXA are desparate to generate interest among teenage boys, and to raise revenue by selling merchandise,” said spokesman Jeoru Beito. “Our overwhelming concern was for the girls` safety and wellbeing, so when this idea was first suggested we were totally opposed, until we could negotiate a higher percentage of the merchandising profits.”

Regardless of the outcome of the dispute, the mission is scheduled for early next year, and some details have already emerged. The AKB members` faces will be painted on a pink rocket, which will be specially ribbed in order to support the large capsule needed to accommodate all 48 girls. JAXA has admitted that due to a limited supply of pink paint, the capsule is likely to be painted purple.