Hachikawa City has prompted controversy by including with its latest garbage collection schedule guidelines for disposing of corpses.
It gives detailed instructions on how to properly dismember corpses and wrap the body parts, and advice on where to purchase suitable hacksaws and impermeable bags.
`Of course, we understand that some residents mights find this to be in poor taste,` said Ichiro Matsui, a spokesman for the city government, `but there have been a number of corpses abandoned lately following murders. We want to preserve an unpolluted environment for all residents, and guard residents from suffering the trauma of tripping over an improperly abandoned corpse while walking their dogs.`
The instructions also warn of the inconvenience caused by biological factors such as rigor mortis and decomposition. `Now the weather is becoming warmer, corpses will rot and start to smell more quickly,` explained Matsui. `We recommend that residents murder their friends and family members on Monday night or Thursday night, dismember them straight away, then put them out for collection the next day.`
Friday 22 April 2011
Wednesday 6 April 2011
Corporation to Give Training in Drunkenness and Vomiting Etiquette
As usual, companies across the nation this month will be welcoming thousands of fresh-faced recruits, and subjecting them to several weeks of intensive training in all aspects of the business, then some hazing. Mitsoniba Corp. will be going one step further, though, and will be providing training in how best to behave at the after-work drinking parties which are an integral part of corporate life.
'This is a neglected area of business practice,' said Shinichi Nomihoudai, head of Mitsoniba's party training division. 'We hope to set the standard for educating staff in how to maintain their decorum when they're so drunk they start hitting on vending machines.'
The training will cover timing of trips to the toilet, when (and how) it's acceptable to insult the
boss, and how to appear sober when hallucinating, vomiting, or hallucinating vomiting.
'Corporations rely on their employees to make a good impression at every moment of their lives,' explained Nomihoudai. 'Research has shown that consumers are less likely to buy products from a company whose staff are routinely found face down in rancid pools of their own carroty vomit. Or their colleagues' vomit. Anyone's vomit, really.'
As well as vomit-dodging, to be coached with an ingenious fusion of dodgeball and paintball, staff will be taught how to limit the diameter of their platform pizzas by narrowing their mouths at the appropriate time, and the correct angle at which to bow when vomiting off a station platform.
'This is a neglected area of business practice,' said Shinichi Nomihoudai, head of Mitsoniba's party training division. 'We hope to set the standard for educating staff in how to maintain their decorum when they're so drunk they start hitting on vending machines.'
The training will cover timing of trips to the toilet, when (and how) it's acceptable to insult the
boss, and how to appear sober when hallucinating, vomiting, or hallucinating vomiting.
'Corporations rely on their employees to make a good impression at every moment of their lives,' explained Nomihoudai. 'Research has shown that consumers are less likely to buy products from a company whose staff are routinely found face down in rancid pools of their own carroty vomit. Or their colleagues' vomit. Anyone's vomit, really.'
As well as vomit-dodging, to be coached with an ingenious fusion of dodgeball and paintball, staff will be taught how to limit the diameter of their platform pizzas by narrowing their mouths at the appropriate time, and the correct angle at which to bow when vomiting off a station platform.
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