Japan's Annual Wasp Release to Take Place

The Ministry of the Four Seasons has announced that the annual release of enormous aggressive wasps will take place tomorrow. Hundreds of thousands of wasps have been bred in 132 dedicated centers across the country, and the breeding vats will be opened simultaneously nationwide at 11:00am, allowing the wasps to swarm according to local conditions.

Authorities are hoping to avoid a repeat of an incident last year, when the wasps released in Fukui city swarmed on a local performance artist who had stuck sugar to himself with honey. Residents near every breeding center have been advised to wash themselves clean of sweet gooey substances, or to stay inside if they're not able to do so.

Last year's wasp release in Fukui

Some citizens have questioned the need for the wasp release. Saitama teacher Mushiga Kirai, 45, has petitioned the Ministry every year not to continue. "There's absolutely no need to inflict these bastards on the population," he told In Other News. "They serve no useful purpose, they just aggravate people, the same as the Ministry. Don't tell them I said that."

However, the Ministry has dismissed the idea of ceasing the release. Junior minister Jumin Iranai said, "We're well aware that there's absolutely no merit to the release, and the wasps cause nothing but irritation, misery and occasional deaths due to anaphlactic shock. However, a tradition isn't a tradition if it's useful."

Japan to Hold Referendum on Exiting Asia

Prime Minister Shintaro Nabe has announced that the Japanese public are to be allowed to vote on whether Japan should remain part of Asia, in a referendum to be held next year.

Nationalist politician Shiza Ishibara welcomed the move, saying "The Japanese people are tired of being swamped by dozens of foreigners, destroying Japan's ancient and timeless culture, which has remained unchanged since the days of samurai and warlords," in a statement on Twitter.

Sayonara, dirty gaijin

If Japan votes to leave Asia, it would likely impact heavily on trade with China and South Korea. However, Ishibara is confident that Japan would thrive. "We don't need those countries to survive," he said. "We'll be able to negotiate lucrative deals with the Galapagos Islands, possibly also New Caledonia. And when Okinawa votes to leave Japan and remain in Asia, we'll be able to trade with them too."

Tokyo Immigration Center to Relocate to Disneyland

The Ministry of Gaijin announced yesterday that at the start of next month, all Tokyo immigration offices will close, and their operations will move to a new office inside Tokyo Disneyland. Foreigners wishing to renew their visas or change their visa status will be required to enter the park to access the office.

Ministry spokesman Miki Gadaisuki explained, "All foreigners go to Disneyland anyway, and we hear constant reports of how they hate queuing at the Shinagawa office. By moving to Disneyland, we can transform the queuing into a fun time for all the family."

Immigration: the happiest place on Earth

Immigration counters will be positioned near all the rides, and successful visa applicants will receive a fast pass for a ride. "You see, it's more convenient for everyone," said Gadiasuki. "And since Disneyland is in Chiba prefecture, it's easy for overstayers and other violators to go direct to Narita for deportation."

Despite the official nature of the work, the Disney theme will be maintained throughout. Immigration officials will have sparkly new uniforms in bright colours with Mickey ears, and the detention center will double as an attraction during the daytime, with detainees playing inmates of "Super Gaijin Lock-Up Land".

Local Man Unable to Reconcile "Four Seasons" With Existence of Rainy Season

A local resident has told In Other News of the difficulty he is having reconciling two conflicting ideas, the fact of Japan's having four seasons, and the annual rainy season.

Saitama-based recruiter Bob McThorndike, 27, told us "I just don't get it. Everyone tells me Japan has four seasons, but now everyone is talking about rainy season. Is this some inscrutable thing? I'm not a Buddhist. I just don't know who to trust any more."

Rainy season, the fifth of Japan's four seasons

Ministry of Seasons spokesman Haruaki Fuyunatsu said, "While it's absolutely true that Japan has four seasons, we do also have the rainy season. However, while it's a recognised, recurring and officially delineated annual period of forecastable weather, and we use the word season, it's not one of the official four seasons. I trust this has clarified the matter."

Mr McThorndike declined to comment on the Ministry statement.