A World of Waiting Awaits at New Theme Park `LineLand`

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

At Japan`s newest theme park, the attraction is that there are no attractions; at `LineLand`, opening next week, it`s all about waiting in line.

With no rides at the end, the variety will be provided by different widths of line, which move at different rates, and LineLand employees posing as customers will provide different demographic make-ups.

`Our market research suggests that this is just what people want,` explains entrepreneur owner Hayashi Yoshiro. `Visitors to Tokyo DisneyLand spend 78% of their time waiting in line, so it`s clear that the waiting is the main part of the experience. I thought, why not make it 100%?`

At least one Tokyoite agrees with him. `I often wait two or three hours for a ride at DisneyLand,` explains company employee Ohtsuka Chihiro, `and after that long, the ride can sometimes be disappointing.  I know that at LineLand, I can enjoy the wait, knowing that I won`t be let down at the end. I`m especially looking forward to the Two-Hour 30% High School Boys ThunderLine.`

Special advance tickets for the opening day go on sale at 8:00am tomorrow at LineLand`s Tokyo head office, where there is already a three-kilometer line.

Cyber Grottoes Sabotaged

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

Toshibishi Corporation yesterday announced that it is temporarily closing its entire network of holographic CGI Santa`s Grottoes installed in department stores and malls across the nation.  This is in response to a flood of complaints from parents of children left confused and upset by their experiences.

It`s thought that a disgruntled former employee reprogrammed the central management system of the network, over-riding the traditional interaction program relating to presents, chimneys and being good little boys and girls.  Instead of saying `Ho, ho, ho` the HoloSantas would greet children with `Oh no, not another one,` and the question `What would you like for Christmas?` was replaced with `Shouldn`t you be helping the world`s poor and disadvantaged instead of indulging in this obscene orgy of consumerism and gluttony?`

`My little girl cried for an hour,` lamented one parent in Yokohama.  `She was looking forward to a nice chat with Santa, but instead she got a lecture about the plight of Somali refugees, and she started wanting to give money to charity instead of buying presents.  It took me ages to convince her that`s not what Christmas is about.`

However, in an anonymous email sent to In Other News, the perpetrator remains unrepentant.  `That`ll teach them to cut my hours,` said `Kurisu Kuringuru` in the email.  `Of course, my main aim is to draw attention to the over-commercialisation of Christmas and the leaching away of its spiritual depth, but if they lose money closing the grottoes it`ll serve the bastards right.  Peace.`

Happy Fun Party Time, or Else

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

The government raised eyebrows last week by announcing that from 21st to 27th December, all residents of Japan will be required to wear Christmas costumes.  Anyone failing to wear the festive garb, to be issued shortly, will face an on-the-spot fine of Y50000.

`Our aim is twofold`, explained Cabinet Secretary Hosoyuki Hiroda, sporting reindeer antlers. `As well as boosting the domestic apparel industry, this demonstrates our heartfelt commitment to worldwide intercultural understanding.`

The plan has received a mixed reception from the public.  `I`m all for it,` said Eiichi Kuroitaka, a homeless man in Ueno Park.  `I usually get my Santa outfit from the trash on the 26th, so it`ll be nice to have a clean one.`

Predictably, right-wing groups are opposed.  `We`re totally outraged at this affront to Japanese dignity and culture,` said the driver of one nationalist minivan.  `However, we`re prepared to compromise by wearing Santa hats as we broadcast our patriotic message.  We don`t want to be complete party-poopers.`

Ho ho no: Santa Denied Entry Visa

Correspondent: Cunning Punster

Japanese children face the sad prospect of a Christmas without presents, after Santa Claus was yesterday refused an entry visa.  Immigration Bureau spokesman Kenji Okada confirmed that this was due to toughened quarantine restrictions applying to reindeer, and questions over duty payments on previous importation of presents.

`It`s bureaucracy gone mad!` fumed Santa from his Lapland workshop.  `Those duty payments were perfectly in order, and my reindeer don`t pose any danger to Japanese people, unless they stand under the flightpath.`

Despite his protests, this is in fact not Santa`s first run-in with Japanese authorities.  He was admitted last year only after investigators were satisfied that the elves at his workshop were not child labourers and were not being maltreated.

Santa still hopes to be allowed to enter on a visa waiver, but has been warned against trying to enter illegally.  `We are committed to protect the skies against any intruders,` said Air Self Defence Force commander Yoshi Nagata.  `Any incursion into Japanese airspace will be considered an act of aggression and dealt with accordingly.`

Public response has been disgruntled.  `At first, my little boy was heartbroken,` said one Tokyo parent, `but I promised to dress up as Santa and give him some presents myself.  That made him happy, the greedy little mercenary.`

Immigration officials remain steadfast.  `We understand there will be some disappointment,` said Okada, `but this action was absolutely necessary to ensure a harmonious, disease-free Christmas for everyone.  We hope that citizens` enjoyment of the festive season won`t be marred by Santa`s absence.`

Cars Shame Name Policy Backfires

Correspondent: Guido Fitzpatrick

Statistics released yesterday show that a government policy requiring automakers to give conventional gasoline-powered vehicles embarrassing names with the objective of reducing sales has backfired.  Over the past six months, domestic sales of cars with the humiliating names increased by 7%, rather than a hoped-for reduction of 25%.

Economy Ministry spokesman Yamada Taro explained, 'Our aim was to increase "green" vehicle ownership through a reduction in gasoline-powered car purchases.  However, it seems that names such as the Toyota Magic Chucklebus and the Nissan Feathered Ladyboy haven't had the desired deterrent effect.'

Industry analyst Kuruma Daisuke commented, 'Exports have dropped sharply, as the names were effective in putting off overseas drivers.  However, the Ministry didn't account for the domestic market consisting mainly of undiscerning, intellectually arrested metrosexual men-children for whom the name Honda Mincing Nancy has no negative connotation.'

The Ministry has acted quickly in assembling a task force to draft a list of names more likely to deter Japanese men.  It has already recommended the Mitsubishi Loose Tie, the Subaru Rough Unshaven Skin and the Misuzu I Don't Like Disney.

Government to Tackle Problems by Looking Away

At a press conference in Nagatacho yesterday, the government announced that its new strategy for dealing with the manifold problems facing Japan will be to turn around and look in a different direction.

'Imagine I'm walking by a river, and I see a homeless person,' explained spokesman Kurokke Meganai. 'If I turn and look away, I can't see him any more, so he isn't really there and the problem is solved.'

This marks an abrupt change from the government's previous policy of burying their heads in the sand.  According to Meganai, this was marred by the occasional need to surface for air, at which point the problems would reappear.

'The number of challenges we face is increasing all the time,' said Meganai.  'By adopting this apporach we'll be able to deal with them quickly and effectively.  If there are any questions, I'll just turn around.'

Gaijingle Bells

In a controversial move, the government has announced that all foreign residents in Japan will be required to wear small bells around their necks.  The law will come into effect from next month, and foreigners found outside without their bells will be liable to fines or prison sentences.

Justice Ministry spokesman Suppai Imo explained, 'There are a lot of Japanese people who have a deeply-held fear of foreigners, and it's impractical for us to tackle such an entrenched prejudice, especially when we share it.  This move will allow us to perpetuate that fear and use it to our political advantage.'

Public reaction to the announcement has been mixed. 'I'm really happy about this,' said housewife Megumi Kashima. 'When I hear the bell I'll know there's a gaijin approaching, and that'll give me a few seconds to get my children indoors.'

Scott 'The S Man' Golfingstein, a broker from Roppongi, was unimpressed. 'Only a bell?' he said. 'If I'm to warn all the J-chicks that the S-Man is on his way I should get an airhorn. Whoooooooo!'

Schoolgirl 'Robbed' of Nobel Peace Prize

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

Miki Heiwa, a 3rd year high school student from Tokyo, has claimed she was unfairly denied this year's Nobel Peace Prize.  'It's a total injustice that I didn't win,' cried the visibly distraught 17-year-old. 'After all, I've been good to my grandmother, I've shown the peace sign hundreds of times at print club, and I didn't start a single war.'

Pressed to defend the Nobel Committee's decision, a spokesman said 'Of course, Miss Heiwa was a leading candidate. Unfortunately, she was seen last week at Disneyland kicking a queue-jumper in the groin.'

Report Pins Marie Celeste on North Korea

A report released yesterday by the Japanese Foreign Ministry claims that the crew of the Marie Celeste, a merchant ship found abandoned off the coast of Portugal in 1872, were likely abducted by North Korean agents.  The investigation was prompted by a student at Tokyo University who read about the ship in a textbook, then wrote to the Ministry every day demanding action.

The report acknowledges that the incident took place over eighty years before Korea was divided into North and South, and that sailing from Korea to Portugal to kidnap a load of sailors seems like more effort than it's worth.  However, it states that 'In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, we must conclude that the crew of the Marie Celeste were abducted and forced to train North Korean agents in English and seamanship.'

The Ministry is currently investigating claims by the same student that North Korean agents were responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, Japan's defeat on penalties by Paraguay in last year's World Cup, and the death of Bambi's mother.

Japan Opens Panties Market to Imports

Traditionally, Japanese men have bought schoolgirls' panties to fulfil their sordid whims. However, recent demographic trends have reduced the number of pre-loved undergarments available, while demand continues to swell. So in a bold move, the government yesterday ended decades of protectionism by lifting the ban on imports of used panties, opening the market for the first time to competition from overseas.

European design houses such as Louis Vuitton and Prada have been swift to act, announcing plans to launch lines of panties worn at exclusive finishing schools in really hot countries. And Maria Sharapova is considering opening a tennis academy to source panties, which will be sold with an accompanying photograph and personal testimony.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Trade said, 'The rising number of single middle-aged men, neets and geeks meant that supply just couldn't keep up with demand. As a patriot, I prefer fragrant Japanese maidenhood myself, but we have to recognise that globalisation has opened pervs' minds to a wide world of lingerie culture.'

Singing to Replace Speeches

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

The influence of J-Pop supergroup AKB-48 has now spread to politics; their system of periodic surveys to determine their fans' favourite members is to be adopted for Japan's parliamentary elections.

'The public are sick and tired of anonymous backroom deals deciding who leads Japan,' explained political analyst Seiji Baka. 'AKB-48 elections show how a true democracy should work.'

A CD will be released every six months on which politicians sing their manifesto promises, and purchasers will be able to vote in upcoming elections.  The winner becomes Prime Minister, with the other highest vote-getters forming the cabinet.

Foreign governments have responded largely positively to the plan. 'We're very pleased with this,' commented one senior US official. 'We had a very hard time taking Japanese politics seriously after Koizumi's Elvis impersonation. Now, we don't even have to try.'

No We Can't: Government Attempts Birthrate Boost with Reverse Psychology

At a press conference last week, the government announced a new strategy to tackle Japan’s low birthrate: noting that sales of kanji instruction books increased when former Prime Minister Aso’s illiteracy came to public attention, ministers aim to encourage more procreation amongst Japanese couples by drawing attention to their own lack of prowess between the sheets.

‘I’m absolutely crap in the sack,’ said Culture Minister Shochu Nakayama at the press conference. ‘I’m often so drunk after a long Diet session that I can’t perform at all. It’s a wonder we ever had a child.’

Womens’ Affairs Minister Masako Ichihashi upset some conservative groups with her comments. ‘My husband must have been a virgin on our wedding night,’ she recalled. ‘He didn’t have a clue, and he was so bashful. It was as if he’d never even spoken to a woman, let alone touched one. I had to do everything for him.’

The public seems to have responded quickly, with bookstores already noticing an increase in sales of sex instruction books. However, a spokesman warned against expecting instant results, suggesting it might take between eight and ten months for any increase in the birthrate to be observed.

Students to be Graded on Shyness

The Education Ministry has announced that from next year, students at high schools in Japan will be graded on their shyness.  Criteria will include reticence with strangers, blushing, and evasion of eye contact, and students considered insufficiently bashful will be held back a year, regardless of their academic performance.


"This measure is absolutely necessary in order to prepare students for life after graduation," explained Ministry spokesman Kazu Hashi. "In school, students can pick up bad habits such as sharing their feelings and opinions, which jar badly with the outside environment. Shyness is a fundamental life skill which students need to master so that they are able to assimilate into wider Japanese society."


Students are eagerly looking forward to the new challenge. "I used to enjoy meeting people and making friends," said Arisa Tanaka, a high school freshman in Chiba, "but now I see I'll have to stop. I'm determined to do my best to be the shyest in my class!"

Research Identifies Gaijin Gene

Researchers at Tokyo's Eugenics Foundation have made a historic breakthrough by finally isolating the gene responsible for gaijin. The ground-breaking findings seem to indicate that gaijin are more closely related to Japanese people than had previously been thought.


'We were taken aback at just how much genetic material gaijin share with we Japanese,' said Foundation chairman Jinshu Sabetsu. 'Not only that, but inserting the gaijin gene into the DNA of a racially pure Japanese mouse produced no discernible change in behaviour. The untrained observer might believe them not to be a separate species at all.'


Future research at the Foundation is likely to focus on finding a practical application for the knowledge. 'Important though it is, identifying the gaijin gene is only a first step,' said Sabetsu. 'We're still a very long way from finding an effective treatment.'

Corpse Disposal Guidelines Spark Controversy

Hachikawa City has prompted controversy by including with its latest garbage collection schedule guidelines for disposing of corpses.

It gives detailed instructions on how to properly dismember corpses and wrap the body parts, and advice on where to purchase suitable hacksaws and impermeable bags.

`Of course, we understand that some residents mights find this to be in poor taste,` said Ichiro Matsui, a spokesman for the city government, `but there have been a number of corpses abandoned lately following murders. We want to preserve an unpolluted environment for all residents, and guard residents from suffering the trauma of tripping over an improperly abandoned corpse while walking their dogs.`

The instructions also warn of the inconvenience caused by biological factors such as rigor mortis and decomposition. `Now the weather is becoming warmer, corpses will rot and start to smell more quickly,` explained Matsui. `We recommend that residents murder their friends and family members on Monday night or Thursday night, dismember them straight away, then put them out for collection the next day.`

Corporation to Give Training in Drunkenness and Vomiting Etiquette

As usual, companies across the nation this month will be welcoming thousands of fresh-faced recruits, and subjecting them to several weeks of intensive training in all aspects of the business, then some hazing. Mitsoniba Corp. will be going one step further, though, and will be providing training in how best to behave at the after-work drinking parties which are an integral part of corporate life.

'This is a neglected area of business practice,' said Shinichi Nomihoudai, head of Mitsoniba's party training division. 'We hope to set the standard for educating staff in how to maintain their decorum when they're so drunk they start hitting on vending machines.'

The training will cover timing of trips to the toilet, when (and how) it's acceptable to insult the
boss, and how to appear sober when hallucinating, vomiting, or hallucinating vomiting.

'Corporations rely on their employees to make a good impression at every moment of their lives,' explained Nomihoudai. 'Research has shown that consumers are less likely to buy products from a company whose staff are routinely found face down in rancid pools of their own carroty vomit. Or their colleagues' vomit. Anyone's vomit, really.'

As well as vomit-dodging, to be coached with an ingenious fusion of dodgeball and paintball, staff will be taught how to limit the diameter of their platform pizzas by narrowing their mouths at the appropriate time, and the correct angle at which to bow when vomiting off a station platform.

Housewife Catatonic After Seasonal Revelation

Correspondent: Guido Fitzpatrick
A Kanagawa homemaker has been hospitalized in a catatonic state after learning that a climate with four distinct seasons is not unique to Japan.

Saiko Yamada, 61, was attending an English class at the Dokkano-Machi branch of Let's Heartful Enjoy Language Academy when her teacher, Vermont native Mike Flynn, showed the class some photos of his hometown of Rutland taken in October of last year.

"I feel terrible," said Flynn outside Dokkano General Hospital. "If only I'd known she'd react that way. The brilliant fall colors are a point of pride for New Englanders, so I showed her the photos as part of a lesson focused on talking about your home town. Saiko's eyes suddenly became wide and she said 'That's in America? Is it always like that?' When I said 'Only in autumn,' she looked even more shocked and said 'You have autumn there?!' "

Surprised but still not suspecting that his student would become catatonic, Flynn began explaining about seasonal activities in his home state. "It was when I mentioned catching fireflies in the summer that her eyes started to glaze over, but I continued because that`s not really an uncommon reaction."

Dr. Ken Saiki, a psychiatrist specializing in culture shock-induced catatonia, surmises that Mrs. Yamada's condition can be cured with "appropriate audio-visual stimuli."

"She simply needs to regain the thought-patterns that preceded the catatonia. In this case that means the assumed non-existence of temporal climates over 99% of the earth's surface. This is essential if she is to regain her sense of cultural uniqueness and thus her mental health." He also added that foreign language schools should require instructors to avoid "potentially hazardous" topics such as the existence of four seasons, fall colors, and fireflies in foreign countries.

Mrs. Yamada is currently undergoing a treatment regimen of haiku, ukiyo-e, and Los Angeles travel videos.

Government Pledges Continued Inaction

In light of its falling approval rating, the government has announced a raft of fresh strategies for procrastination and the evasion of tough decisions.


`We don`t wish to alarm the public with over-hasty action,` explained Cabinet Secretary Eiichi Nago, `so we promise a complete absence of bold new policy initiatives, and the formation of at least four committees before making any decision.`


He cautioned that this shouldn`t be taken to mean the government will be doing nothing. `Japan faces manifold challenges both at home and overseas,` he said, `and to avoid having to deal with them will involve careful mis-coordination between departments, well-planned buck-passing and skilled prevarication.`


Acting from generosity of spirit, the government ultimately hopes to allow future administrations to secure their own place in history. `It would be selfish of us to take the credit for addressing all the issues ourselves,` Nago explained. `Our aim is to leave for future generations of lawmakers an expansive legacy of opportunities.`

Sumo Association Gets Tough(ish) on Gamblers

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

The Japan Sumo Association has issued tight new regulations to deal with gambling and match-fixing allegations that have threatened to destroy the sport. In future, wrestlers will be permitted to gamble, but only for stuffed toys.

'We believe these strict new guidelines will restore the integrity of sumo once and for all,' declared JSA president Ookinachanko. 'Our members will never again be able to get direct financial gain from fixed bouts. Not only that, wrestlers will be encouraged to donate their stuffed toys to charity offices, conveniently located near pachinko parlours, where they definitely won't be given any cash.'

Yakuza Launch Character Goods

In an attempt to soften its image in the public's minds, the Yamaguchi-Gumi crime syndicate has signaled the start of a charm offensive with the unveiling of two mangaesque characters. It hopes that cuddly, big-eyed tween gangsters Yumi and Gumi will help people see the gang in a different light.

'At the moment, the public associate us with drug dealing, extortion and human trafficking', a spokesman said at a press conference yesterday, 'and this saddens us. By selling hand towels and document wallets with these two kawaii cuties on them, we hope to demonstrate the gentler side of organised crime.'

A variety of goods featuring Yumi and Gumi will go on sale next week in every convenience store in the country. Some chains were initially reluctant to stock the goods, but agreed to do so after several of their stores burnt down.

Shikoku Hospital Opens Teen Hatch

Following the controversial opening in 2009 of a 'baby hatch' at a hospital in Kumamoto, Shikoku Prestige University Hospital in Matsuyama last week went one step further and opened a 'teen hatch', where parents can drop off their teenage children if they are having difficulty raising them.


'Many parents find it troublesome when their children grow up and cease to be cute,' explained hospital director Kenji Nakayama. 'In the current bad economic situation, the financial demands of bringing up a teenager can make the situation unmanageable, so we felt it necessary to provide this service for parents.'


There are separate hatches for girls and boys, disguised respectively as purikura and internet booths. In the first week after opening, three girls and fifty-eight boys were deposited; the girls have already started training as nurses at the hospital, while the boys were sent to Johnny's Jimusho talent agency.


Asked about the need to disguise the hatches, Nakayama said, 'Some teenagers may be suspicious of their parents' intentions at first, so the hatches were designed to appeal to their interests in order to win them over. I tested the system using my own two children, and while they were initially very distressed, I hear they're now looking forward to their new careers.'