Santa Isn't Coming to Town: Detained on Arrival as "Naughty/Nice" List Faces Scrutiny

Lapland toy distributor Santa Claus has been detained by officials at Narita Airport after attempting to enter Japan with what they say is suspect paperwork. The move is likely to disrupt Santa's schedule, causing delays to present deliveries planned for countries around the world.

A spokesman for the Immigration Bureau said, "While Santa's passport and visa waiver are in order, his list of naughty children is problematic. Japanese children are genetically incapable of being naughty, so to label them as such is a clear violation of their human rights."

Santa in detention yesterday

Santa's lawyer quickly issued a statement criticising the move. "My client and his team put significant effort into researching the list," it said, "then he checked it twice. And anyone who thinks Japanese children can't be naughty should meet my two little shits."

Santa is likely to remain in custody while officials check through the list of 22 million children for foreign names, as they may have been miscategorised as nice.

Saitama Man Marries Company

In the first ceremony of its kind, a company employee in Saitama yesterday officially married the company for which he works. Following the wedding, he has taken the company's name, and no longer needs to renew his contract annually.

"I'm very happy," said Mr Happy Flowers Auto Insurers. "I was a bit surprised when the pastor said 'I now pronounce you company and wife', though, because in a Japanese marriage it's usually the wife who controls the finances."

His family also approve of the match. "He spends all his time there anyway," said his mother, "and his work is all he ever talks about. He's clearly besotted."

This may not be the last such ceremony. "We're considering a Moonie-style mass wedding for all our single employees," said company spokesman Kenichi Happy Flowers Auto Insurers. "We're also offering a special bonus to any married employees who choose to divorce and remarry into the company. And of course, all company wives will be able to use their paid vacation allowance to spend their honeymoons at the office."