Gaijin Apocalypse Starts: Babies Eaten Nationwide

Terror struck Japan yesterday as the long-feared 'Gaijin Apocalypse' began, with foreigners across the nation grabbing and eating babies to satisfy their insatiable foreign thirst for baby flesh.

Some gaijin have been captured alive, and have spoken about their depraved non-Japanese actions to the media. "I just couldn't help it," said Mark Redditch, 26, a recruiter based in Saitama, fresh blood still dripping from his chin. "I was just riding on the train back from work, then my true foreign nature suddenly took me over, and I felt compelled to grab and eat the first baby I saw."

A gaijin eating a baby yesterday

These shocking events have come as no surprise to some local observers. Gunma-based blogger Shinta Ishibara, 56, said, "I've been writing for years that it was inevitable that foreigners would one day embark on an orgy of baby-eating, but the liberal do-gooders just wouldn't listen. I hope the sight of baby-crazed gaijin gnawing on babies' tender arms makes them think twice."

A state of emergency has been declared, and families are advised to stay indoors as hordes of marauding baby-eating gaijin roam the streets. The Self-Defence Force have been deployed to maternity hospitals and pre-schools, with instructions to shoot on sight anyone who looks a bit foreign.

First Cats, Then Rabbits, Now Gaijin Cafe to Open

Following the success of cat cafes, owl cafes and rabbit cafes, Tokyo's first "gaijin cafe" is to open tomorrow in Shibuya. Customers will be able to enjoy drinks, snacks and light meals while interacting with tame gaijin, or just watching them at play.

Owner Haruka Watabe is confident that the venture will be a success. "I can guarantee a safe and relaxing experience for customers at Happy Gaijin House," she said at yesterday's opening party. "Our gaijin have been selected carefully and trained to be comfortable around Japanese people, and customers will be free to have as much or as little direct contact as they want."

Asked about ethical concerns, she said "We're absolutely committed to the wellbeing of our gaijin. They'll be provided with spacious living quarters, and a special diet to ensure they're content and well fed."

There's already a good deal of interest in the cafe. Housewife Kana Watanabe, 33, said "I'm planning to take my four-year-old daughter there, so she can see how cute gaijin are in real life, and maybe even touch one." Junior manager Tatsuya Mochizuki, 45, told us, "I'll probably go there after work sometime. After a ten-hour work day, it'll be relaxing to see their happy little faces as they frolic with their toys."

Watabe is hoping that customers will not only have fun with gaijin, however, but will also come to see them differently. "Through contact with the gaijin, I hope people will recognise that they all have their own individual personalities," she said. "Then they can learn to respect them as the unique creatures that they are."

Japan Olympic Committee Celebrates 600% Budget Overshoot

Cheers rang around the offices of the Japan Olympic Committee yesterday, when it was announced that the cost of hosting the 2020 Tokyo Olympic games would exceed the initially stated budget by only 600%.

A spokesman for the JOC told a press conference, "We're very pleased at having been able to keep costs so low. Our initial plans allowed for an overshoot of up to 900%, so we're actually 50% within target, a splendid achievement."

As a reward for this restraint in spending, the JOC executive will be embarking on a chartered three-week Caribbean cruise, along with their families and those of the heads of the construction companies and yakuza syndicates providing infrastructure for the games. The cruise will feature 24-hour cabaret, a swimming pool filled with champagne and scattered with orchid leaves and ostrich feathers, and a casino funded entirely by Tokyo residents' tax.