Tokyo Residents Shocked at Foreigners in Olympics

Tokyoites have reacted with consternation to the news that the 2020 Olympic Games will bring an influx of foreigners to Tokyo, both as visitors and competitors. Many feel trepidation about the impact that these foreigners will have on the city and the games.

"I had no idea that foreigners would be taking part," said engineer Kozu Suzuki. "When I've watched the Olympics on TV I've only ever seen Japanese athletes. Oh, and that Usain Bolt, but he's famous so it's OK."

Members of the Japan Olympic Committee are also shocked at the news. "The only reason we ever wanted the Olympics was to show the world that Japan is better than anyone else," fumed JOC head Bakano Sabetsu. "How can we do that if foreigners are allowed to compete? We'll obviously be lobbying the government to refuse visas to visiting athletes, except the crap ones. Losing gallantly to Japan is what the Olympics should be about."

April Sprog Day: Births to be Allowed Only on 1st

The government has announced that beginning next year, Japanese citizens will be born only on 1st April each year. Women in the final months of pregnancy at the time will have birth induced, while babies born prematurely before 1st April will be denied citizenship and allowed to stay in Japan only as 'Special Permanent Residents' without voting rights or benefit entitlement. Women who become pregnant outside July will face fines of up to Y10m or, in the case of repeat offenders, custodial sentences.

Spokesperson Mina Onaji explained the rationale for the change. "This will benefit Japanese industry by allowing companies to streamline record-keeping, and by aligning with the academic year and employment practice," she said. "It will also strengthen national unity by reducing childrens' regrettable propensity to imagine they're different from each other."

Public response to the proposal has been mixed. "It'll be easier to remember birthdays," said newlyweds Kei and Junko Tanjobi, "but every kid in the neighbourhood will want a party on the same day. We'll have to organise some kind of rota."

Other people have been more enthusiastic, however. "I think this is great," said company employee Sho Ganai, 41. "If I can convince my wife that the risk of pregnancy is too great, then I won't have to have sex with her at all. Then I'll be able to spend even more time at the office."

Foreigner Blames Other Foreign Men For Single Status

A foreign resident of Japan went on public record yesterday to blame other expatriates for his continued single status. Australian native Davo 'Toolbox' McLoughlin, 29, stated from the guesthouse in Ikebukuro where he lives that resented competition from other men from overseas, and called on the government to impose visa restrictions on foreign men.

"That other gaiijn are stealing women who should rightly be mine is the only possible explanation," lamented McLoughlin on 2chan bulletin board, where he posts frequently under the name Wataru Zane. "Most girls would be happy to date someone with a manga collection like mine, let alone the number of video game high scores I've achieved. And I have fair, unblemished skin, never sunburnt, or even tanned."

McLoughlin went on to outline his appeal to potential girlfriends. "Since I was fired from Gaba I've been resting, so between gaming sessions I'd be able to spend a lot of time with that lucky lady," he explained. "And the large number of Miku Hatsune posters around the walls and ceiling of my room, along with the shrine I've built to her, show just how faithful and devoted I'd be."

Couple to Re-Wed After 'McPastor's Overcorrection

A Japanese couple are to hold a second wedding ceremony after their first was spoiled by constant correction and demands for repetition from the conversation school teacher acting as the priest.

Bride Ayaka Morinaga was deeply upset by the experience. 'He said my "love" sounded like "rub",' she explained, 'and he made me say "love, honour and obey" six or seven times until he was happy. I could tell he was happy because he was smiling.'

'We didn't really care if what we were saying was right or not. We just wanted the superficial romantic experience.'

The teacher was Aaron Huckleworth, a native of Arkansas provided for the occasion by Tokyo-based Pastors'R'Us. 'Teaching is my calling,' he told In Other News by telephone from the Hubgublers Pub in Roppongi. 'How can they be upset at getting a free lesson? Ingrates.'

This is not the first complaint received by Pastors'R'Us. At a society wedding last year, hip-hop DJ Slammo was found to be listening to his iPod while performing the ceremony, after asking the groom 'Do you take this ho to be your lawless wedded bitch?'

The Morinagas are looking forward to their second ceremony, and are taking steps to prepare beforehand. 'We've signed up for English lessons to practice,' said Ayaka, 'and I'm sure we'll learn everything we need from the Mormons.'

Unseasonal Hot-Pot Order Customer Arrested

A Tokyo man was arrested yesterday at a restaurant in Shibuya for attempting to order nabe, a hotpot dish which according to Japanese law may be consumed only between 1^st October and 28^th February each year.

The manager of the restaurant alerted the Season Police after being told of the order, and the man was immediately taken into custody.

Charges have already been brought, and State Prosecutor Maiko Hara intends to seek a custodial sentence. “Actions such as these pose a grave danger to the foundations of Japanese society,” she explained, “and the threat to public order cannot be overstated. We must send a clear message to other diners that such anarchic behavior won’t be tolerated.”

However, the lawyer acting for the accused man is hoping for lenience from the court. “My client is overcome with shame and remorse for his heinous disregard of custom,” said attorney Yuichi Waraba. “He has vowed never again to attempt to decide for himself what he should be allowed to eat, or when.”

The customer is being held in solitary confinement after being subject to abuse and threats from other inmates, and the police are withholding his identity in order to protect his family from reprisals in the face of public anger. A spokesman hinted that if the public mood remains sour, it may be necessary to furnish the man with a new identity.