Housewife Catatonic After Seasonal Revelation

Correspondent: Guido Fitzpatrick
A Kanagawa homemaker has been hospitalized in a catatonic state after learning that a climate with four distinct seasons is not unique to Japan.

Saiko Yamada, 61, was attending an English class at the Dokkano-Machi branch of Let's Heartful Enjoy Language Academy when her teacher, Vermont native Mike Flynn, showed the class some photos of his hometown of Rutland taken in October of last year.

"I feel terrible," said Flynn outside Dokkano General Hospital. "If only I'd known she'd react that way. The brilliant fall colors are a point of pride for New Englanders, so I showed her the photos as part of a lesson focused on talking about your home town. Saiko's eyes suddenly became wide and she said 'That's in America? Is it always like that?' When I said 'Only in autumn,' she looked even more shocked and said 'You have autumn there?!' "

Surprised but still not suspecting that his student would become catatonic, Flynn began explaining about seasonal activities in his home state. "It was when I mentioned catching fireflies in the summer that her eyes started to glaze over, but I continued because that`s not really an uncommon reaction."

Dr. Ken Saiki, a psychiatrist specializing in culture shock-induced catatonia, surmises that Mrs. Yamada's condition can be cured with "appropriate audio-visual stimuli."

"She simply needs to regain the thought-patterns that preceded the catatonia. In this case that means the assumed non-existence of temporal climates over 99% of the earth's surface. This is essential if she is to regain her sense of cultural uniqueness and thus her mental health." He also added that foreign language schools should require instructors to avoid "potentially hazardous" topics such as the existence of four seasons, fall colors, and fireflies in foreign countries.

Mrs. Yamada is currently undergoing a treatment regimen of haiku, ukiyo-e, and Los Angeles travel videos.

Government Pledges Continued Inaction

In light of its falling approval rating, the government has announced a raft of fresh strategies for procrastination and the evasion of tough decisions.


`We don`t wish to alarm the public with over-hasty action,` explained Cabinet Secretary Eiichi Nago, `so we promise a complete absence of bold new policy initiatives, and the formation of at least four committees before making any decision.`


He cautioned that this shouldn`t be taken to mean the government will be doing nothing. `Japan faces manifold challenges both at home and overseas,` he said, `and to avoid having to deal with them will involve careful mis-coordination between departments, well-planned buck-passing and skilled prevarication.`


Acting from generosity of spirit, the government ultimately hopes to allow future administrations to secure their own place in history. `It would be selfish of us to take the credit for addressing all the issues ourselves,` Nago explained. `Our aim is to leave for future generations of lawmakers an expansive legacy of opportunities.`

Sumo Association Gets Tough(ish) on Gamblers

Correspondent: Riot Bunny

The Japan Sumo Association has issued tight new regulations to deal with gambling and match-fixing allegations that have threatened to destroy the sport. In future, wrestlers will be permitted to gamble, but only for stuffed toys.

'We believe these strict new guidelines will restore the integrity of sumo once and for all,' declared JSA president Ookinachanko. 'Our members will never again be able to get direct financial gain from fixed bouts. Not only that, wrestlers will be encouraged to donate their stuffed toys to charity offices, conveniently located near pachinko parlours, where they definitely won't be given any cash.'