Retailer Launches Hallowe'en Goods

Hallowe'en goods have gone on sale today nationwide in every branch of discount outlet Donkey Hands. The chain is hoping to attract Christmas shoppers who wish to prepare early for Hallowe'en next year.

Spokesman Cho Hayaku told In Other News, "We understand that some people may object to our selling Hallowe'en goods eleven months in advance. However, we don't care."

Hallow Kitty, perfect for Christmas

Shoppers have been quick to snap up the Hallowe'en items, with Donkey Hands reporting brisk sales. Tokyo engineer Takashi Suzuki said "I'm glad they've done this, as I can do all my shopping at the same time for Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day, Hallowe'en, and next Christmas."

Overwork Suicide Victim's Mother Praises Daughter's Company Spirit

Yumiko Takamatsu, mother of Manami Takamatsu, an employee of Damitsu Corporation who killed herself last week after working over a hundred hours of unpaid overtime each month, has gone on public record to praise her daughter's dedication to her work.

"I do miss my daughter," she said in a statement released yesterday, "but the extra four ten-thousandths of a percent that her overtime added to half-yearly profits shows that her suffering and death weren't without purpose."

"I just wish she could have hung on a couple of months longer, so the company would have been able to reduce its tax liability by writing off her paid vacation allowance."

A Damitsu employee at 3:00am this morning

Damitsu has welcomed Takamatsu's statement. Spokesman Minaka Roshi said "We're happy to hear of Mrs Takamatsu's selfless attitude, and we hope that she will inspire other employees' families to help boost our competetiveness. Leveraging parents' willingness to bury their children will allow us to deliver value to stockholders for generations to come."

Deadline Looms For Citizens' Summer Uniform Return

The Department of Citizen Apparel (DCA) has reminded citizens of Japan that the deadline for returning their government-issued summer uniform is midnight on October 31.

After this date, anyone found wearing a white shirt with dark horizontal stripes will be subject to an on-the-spot fine of JPY10000.

DCA spokesman Mina Onaji said, "It's important for the maintenance of Japanese culture that all citizens dress the same, in accordance with the changing seasons."

Three citizens in their summer uniforms yesterday

A list of approved autumn colours and styles is available from the DAC website. The season police will be making extra patrols during November to ensure that the citizenry is complying.

Certification Introduced for Gaijin-Botherers

A system of official certification has been introduced for Japanese citizens who wish to pester foreigners for English practice and conversation. Regular training courses and examinations will be held starting next month, and only those with certificates will be permitted to engage in the harassment of foreigners.

There will be three grades of certificate:

• Bronze certificate holders will be able to engage in simple conversation about the weather, sightseeing, and the foreigners' home countries;
• the Silver certificate will allow discussion of current affairs and widely held tiresome stereotypes, such as British peoples' addictions to fish and chips and The Beatles
• those with the Gold certificate will be able to engage in complex interactions, including passive-aggressive comments about selfish foreigners refusing to help Japanese people

Outlining the system at a press conference yesterday, Cultural Agency spokesman Eigo Hara said, "Our intention is to provide a more satisfying experience for everyone involved. Certificate holders will feel more confident in their ability to make unsolicited approaches to foreigners, who in turn will appreciate the effort put in to make the claim on their time."

A Japanese person asking for English practice yesterday

The news has received a cautious welcome from English learners in Japan. "I'm looking forward to receiving my certificate," said Saitama salaryman Takashi Takashima, "but I worry whether the foreigners might tire of hearing the same questions from everyone at the lower levels."

Anticipating demand, a number of English conversation schools have already launched courses to prepare students for the certification exams. Bernovane director of studies Daisuki Okane told In Other News, "Like the government, we see these certificates as a good way of extracting money from the public. Costs to us will be low, because our teachers are already well used to exactly these conversations."

Woman Hospitalized With Burns After Exposure to Sunlight

An elderly woman in Shizuoka was hospitalized yesterday with severe burns after her skin was accidentally exposed to sunlight. Fuyuko Hakujin, 83, remains in intensive care, but her injuries are not thought to be life-threatening.

Mrs Hakujin was wearing tights and leggings tucked into knee-high boots under loose pants; a long-sleeved undershirt, elbow-high gloves, two high-collared blouses, a neckerchief and cravat; a balaclava, a visor, a welder's mask, and a sombrero with a two-foot long veil sewn on by hand.

According to witnesses, Mrs Hakujin bent over to pick up a one-yen coin she had noticed, but as she stretched a small gap was created between her cuff and glove. The exposed skin immediately ignited, and the burning spread quickly across her hand and up her arm, blackening the skin like lit newspaper.

A Japanese woman enjoying the sun yesterday

Fortunately the smoke alerted passers-by, who were able to dunk Mrs Hakujin in a nearby fountain and call emergency services.

Doctors warned In Other News of the need for vigilance against exposure to the sun. "Being superior, Japanese skin is easily flammable," said senior burn surgeon Makoto Hanabi. "I recommend a full bodysuit, a wetsuit or, ideally, staying indoors during sunny weather with all doors and windows shuttered."

NHK Impartiality Questioned After 'Handsome Abe' News

Concerns about the perceived politicisation of Japan's national broadcaster NHK came to the fore yesterday, after Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was gratuitously praised throughout its evening 'NewsLook' show.

A story about new subsidies for concrete producers began with the phrase 'Handsome and honourable leader Shinzo Abe showed that he is better than everyone else', while in other stories he was variously described as 'intelligent' five times; 'cool', 'strong' and 'kind' three times each; 'definitely not racist' twice; and 'stylish' and 'buff as a Calvin Klein model' once each.

Light of the world, Dear Leader Shinzo Abe

NHK has defended itself against accusations of partiality in its coverage. 'It's not true that we're influenced by our wonderful, enlightened - I mean, by the government,' said spokesman Abeno Ningyo. 'When we described noble - when we described Prime Minister Abe as a radiant beacon of goodness, we did so in completely neutral fashion.'

Next month sees the debut on NHK of Shin-Kun-Sen, an animated childrens' show about 'Shinzo the cute patriotic train, defending Nippontown against Hank the Noisy American Train, Chang the Stupid Rude Chinese Train, and Vlad the Evil Russian Train.'

Leaks Expose Trump, Brexit As Japanese Plan

Recent dramatic events in Europe and the US, including the UK's vote to leave the European Union and the rise of Donald Trump, are the result of Japanese espionage, according to documents obtained by In Other News.

Leaked emails exchanged between senior figures in Japan's intelligence community make clear that their actions are part of a wider strategy intended to weaken western nations, both economically and politically.

Some Japanese emails being leaked yesterday

An agent codenamed Butaniku, identified as former UK Prime Minister David Cameron, wrote in one email "I have successfully divided both Europe and the UK, and Operative Godzilla" - a reference to new UK Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson - "is now in place to commence phase two."

Speaking of events in the USA, one email said, "Agent Orange Face has been more successful than we anticipated, and Agent Cute Oyaji deserves great credit for dividing the opposition." Predicting Trump's election as President, he continued, "We can look forward to reveling in the USA's global humiliation, as Japan rises to be a powerful number two in the world."

Pokemon Go Released in Japan: 18m New Residents Discovered

Following the Japanese release today of Pokemon Go, the population of Japan has been discovered to be approximately eighteen million higher than previously thought. Millions of people who left their homes for the first time today in order to play the game had not been included in previous censuses because they never answered the door.

Officials have been caught off guard by the existence of all these extra people. "This has come as a real surprise," said Population Minister Hitoga Daisuki. "We haven't seen anything like this since the extra four million brought out of their homes by the inception of AKB48."

Crowds waiting in Ginza for Pokemon Go to launch 

Some of these residents are finding it difficult to adjust to the world which they have come out into. "I just went through this big hole in my wall, and suddenly there was all this other stuff," said Hikiko Mori, 27, from Saitama. "It looks like the world out of The Matrix, but with more agents."

The government is hopeful that luring more unknown residents out of hiding will boost Japan's population further. There are already plans to create a new boy band, a chain of bakeries offering free cupcakes to anyone without a MyNumber, and an interactive app provisionally called Hello Kitty Vs. Game of Thrones Go.

Japanese High School Hires Parrot As Teaching Assistant

A high school in Saitama prefecture has broken with usual practice by hiring a parrot to assist the Japanese teacher in English lessons, rather than a human native speaker.

The principal of Happy Future High School, Tori Shaberu, defended the move in a statement released yesterday. "We're confident that Porry will help students learn correct English pronunciation just as well as a human teacher," he explained. "She's from England, so speaks with a British accent. As far as I can tell. And, it's Japanese culture, so don't question it."

Porry at work in the classroom

Despite Shaberu's upbeat assessment, some parents of students at the school have expressed concerned about the quality of lessons. Nani Desuka, 39, told In Other News "Since the parrot started, my daughter has just been saying things like 'Pieces of Eight' and 'I'm a parrot of the Carribean'. The previous teacher at least taught useful words related to foreign culture, like 'hangover' and 'all-night session'"

There has also been an unanticipated effect: Porry's squawks of "Who's a pretty boy then?" have reportedly led to an improvement in male students' grooming and personal hygiene as they compete for the bird's attention.

Japan's Annual Wasp Release to Take Place

The Ministry of the Four Seasons has announced that the annual release of enormous aggressive wasps will take place tomorrow. Hundreds of thousands of wasps have been bred in 132 dedicated centers across the country, and the breeding vats will be opened simultaneously nationwide at 11:00am, allowing the wasps to swarm according to local conditions.

Authorities are hoping to avoid a repeat of an incident last year, when the wasps released in Fukui city swarmed on a local performance artist who had stuck sugar to himself with honey. Residents near every breeding center have been advised to wash themselves clean of sweet gooey substances, or to stay inside if they're not able to do so.

Last year's wasp release in Fukui

Some citizens have questioned the need for the wasp release. Saitama teacher Mushiga Kirai, 45, has petitioned the Ministry every year not to continue. "There's absolutely no need to inflict these bastards on the population," he told In Other News. "They serve no useful purpose, they just aggravate people, the same as the Ministry. Don't tell them I said that."

However, the Ministry has dismissed the idea of ceasing the release. Junior minister Jumin Iranai said, "We're well aware that there's absolutely no merit to the release, and the wasps cause nothing but irritation, misery and occasional deaths due to anaphlactic shock. However, a tradition isn't a tradition if it's useful."

Japan to Hold Referendum on Exiting Asia

Prime Minister Shintaro Nabe has announced that the Japanese public are to be allowed to vote on whether Japan should remain part of Asia, in a referendum to be held next year.

Nationalist politician Shiza Ishibara welcomed the move, saying "The Japanese people are tired of being swamped by dozens of foreigners, destroying Japan's ancient and timeless culture, which has remained unchanged since the days of samurai and warlords," in a statement on Twitter.

Sayonara, dirty gaijin

If Japan votes to leave Asia, it would likely impact heavily on trade with China and South Korea. However, Ishibara is confident that Japan would thrive. "We don't need those countries to survive," he said. "We'll be able to negotiate lucrative deals with the Galapagos Islands, possibly also New Caledonia. And when Okinawa votes to leave Japan and remain in Asia, we'll be able to trade with them too."

Tokyo Immigration Center to Relocate to Disneyland

The Ministry of Gaijin announced yesterday that at the start of next month, all Tokyo immigration offices will close, and their operations will move to a new office inside Tokyo Disneyland. Foreigners wishing to renew their visas or change their visa status will be required to enter the park to access the office.

Ministry spokesman Miki Gadaisuki explained, "All foreigners go to Disneyland anyway, and we hear constant reports of how they hate queuing at the Shinagawa office. By moving to Disneyland, we can transform the queuing into a fun time for all the family."

Immigration: the happiest place on Earth

Immigration counters will be positioned near all the rides, and successful visa applicants will receive a fast pass for a ride. "You see, it's more convenient for everyone," said Gadiasuki. "And since Disneyland is in Chiba prefecture, it's easy for overstayers and other violators to go direct to Narita for deportation."

Despite the official nature of the work, the Disney theme will be maintained throughout. Immigration officials will have sparkly new uniforms in bright colours with Mickey ears, and the detention center will double as an attraction during the daytime, with detainees playing inmates of "Super Gaijin Lock-Up Land".

Local Man Unable to Reconcile "Four Seasons" With Existence of Rainy Season

A local resident has told In Other News of the difficulty he is having reconciling two conflicting ideas, the fact of Japan's having four seasons, and the annual rainy season.

Saitama-based recruiter Bob McThorndike, 27, told us "I just don't get it. Everyone tells me Japan has four seasons, but now everyone is talking about rainy season. Is this some inscrutable thing? I'm not a Buddhist. I just don't know who to trust any more."

Rainy season, the fifth of Japan's four seasons

Ministry of Seasons spokesman Haruaki Fuyunatsu said, "While it's absolutely true that Japan has four seasons, we do also have the rainy season. However, while it's a recognised, recurring and officially delineated annual period of forecastable weather, and we use the word season, it's not one of the official four seasons. I trust this has clarified the matter."

Mr McThorndike declined to comment on the Ministry statement.

Church Hires Roppongi Touts

The Christian Church of Kyokai in Tokyo's Kyokai ward has taken a novel approach to attracting worshippers, hiring aggressive touts from Nigeria and other African countries who usually work for nightclubs and bars in Roppongi and Shinjuku.

Pastor Kyle Tomonashi explained, "There's a clear overlap between the two roles. If the clubs were any good, they wouldn't need touts, and the same principle applies to us. Not even the offer of free English lessons from matronly missionaries was getting people in."

Doing the Lord's work

Some residents of Kyokai ward have been surprised by the touts' tactics. Retiree Kazuo Ooka, 73, said, "I was just walking to the store, and this man said, 'Come to church, my friend, you will be the King of my church! We have beer and titties and - no, we have the word of the Lord.' It really saddened me, to be honest, because I would like to see some titties."

Barcode Combover Hairpieces Launched

A range of wigs and hairpieces was launched yesterday by Happy Samson Head Fashion, offering variations on the 'combover' style used by balding men to appear youthfully hirsute and virile. It's available in black, silver, and dark grey, with a range of stripes and hair densities.

At the product launch, company executive Kamino Kei said, "There are hundreds of thousands of men across Japan tired of having to spend time carefully styling their hair every morning. This product will allow them an extra twenty minutes of sleep, unless they want breakfast."

This product features an optional front tuft for extra appeal

Sales are already brisk. Keganai Kenji, a 43-year-old company employee in Shimbashi, told In Other News, "I've bought four, every different width. The straggliest pinstripe one I'll wear when I'm with the boss, so I don't show him up, but when I'm out with my buddies, I'll break out the fifty-fifty and start the partaaay!"

Government Announces Japan Has Best Media Freedom

The Ministry of Information announced yesterday that, according to research it has performed, Japan has the best record in the world on press freedom. The findings featured on the front page of every newspaper this morning, and are the lead item on every TV and radio news program and news website.

The announcement was made at a press conference attended by invited reporters from every media outlet in Japan. Minister Manabu Shikuso said, "I'll look forward to your all stressing how the government doesn't pressure, interfere or dictate content, remembering that press club memberships are due for renewal soon."

Freedom of the press in action yesterday

Columnist Abeno Ningyo of the Daily Gomiuri newpaper told In Other News, "There can be no doubt that this announcement is absolutely true. I'm sure the research showed it clearly, even though the methods and full results are covered by the Secret State Security Act, as we didn't hear when one reporter wasn't arrested for asking about it."

In Other News fully supports the findings of the Ministry, and we look forward to further announcements on media independence.

"How to Avoid Being Spotted By Other Foreigners" Book Released

Kobansha Press today published an English-language paperback entitled "You Ain't Seen Me", giving detailed instructions on how foreigners can avoid contact with other foreigners, even when walking on the same street. The publishers have not named the author of the book, which was published under the pseudonym "Don T Lookatme".

Author "Don T Lookatme"

According to the introduction, the author was traumatised by his frequent encounters with other foreigners shortly after arriving in Japan, suffering stress migraines as a result of having to decide what to do when he saw another foreigner walking towards him on the street. The book details some techniques he used to avoid such encounters, including the wearing of sunglasses and facemasks, and has an appendix listing numerous home delivery services.

While the publishers have released this book as a limited edition, they are confident that there will be a large market for the forthcoming Japanese translation.

Big Bunch of Keys Voted Mens' Best Feature

According to the results of a poll of young women taken by the National Institute of Research, the feature they find most attractive in a man is a big bunch of keys. Fully 85% chose this as the top option, compared with just 9% opting for sense of humour, and 3% for career.

Kagi Mitai, a student at Tokyo Happy University, said "I don't care about a man's looks or personality. Only his keys are interesting." Her friend Ooka Gisuki added, "The bigger and janglier a man's bunch of keys, the more I'll like him. Keys are so important in a man."

A superfly guy showing off what makes him cool

This result is borne out by anecdotal evidence from men. Tomohiro Daikagi, 22, told In Other News "I never used to have any luck with women, despite my nice parting and expensive fake glasses, but as soon as I hung a big load of keys from my belt, I had women chasing me down the street. And as I ran, the jangling just attracted the attention of more women, but I'm pretty unfit, so they could catch me easily."

Results of the surveys taken of middle-aged and elderly women showed similar surprising results, with middle-aged women most impressed by a plaid shirt buttoned up to the collar, and elderly women taken by a barcode comb-over fluttering gracefully in the spring winds.

Yakuza Graduate Interns Start Training

Nagoya yakuza syndicate Yamakawa-Gumi announced yesterday that it has accepted as interns thirty new graduates from local universities, who will gain hands-on experience in all aspects of organized crime. The placements will last for six months, with possible extensions depending on performance, and the possibility of permanent employment for outstanding students.

This change in recruitment strategy was explained at a press conference yesterday. "The declining birthrate has led to a smaller pool of potential recruits," said spokesman Mujaki Shinda in the syndicate's media center. "Fortunately, our colleagues in the American banking industry were able to engineer a global economic downturn, leading now to fewer opportunities for new graduates in the vanilla economy."

An intern training in negotiation skills

The interns are all enthusiastic about the opportunities. Asana Kurokawa, a liberal arts major from Kobe Happy University, said "This will be a great way to learn quickly the skills I'll need for work at a large corporation, such as enduring power harassment and suppressing my personal ethics."

If the program is successful, the syndicate plans to continue taking on graduates. "We're confident that some of the interns will pass probation and become full-time members," said Shinda. "And we've already applied to have booths at next year's university recruitment fairs, at a discounted rate, if they value their buildings."

Rate of Death of Youthful Dreams Reaches New High

In the first week of April every year, when new graduates enter the workforce at their companies, there's a customary spike in the mortality rate of youthful dreams.

Even this early in the month, however, the Bureau of Statistics has announced that this rate has reached a new high. For every 100,000 graduates starting employment, the number realizing that their futures hold nothing but soul-eroding drudgery is 17,844, an increase of 219 from last year.

Two men about to spend their entire lives in futile corporate servitude

Bureau officials believe that the internet is partly responsible for the rise. "The spread of social media has made it difficult for companies to effectively conceal the reality of working life," sad BoS clerk Haru Karoshi. "It's easy for new employees to learn from old hands that working life will be an inescapable cycle of long routine days and insufficent sleep, exhausting their will to live before they reach 25."

This is borne out by anecdotal evidence from companies. Kanago Nao, a recent graduate from Nagoya Happiness University, told In Other News, "I hoped that starting work would give me the time and money to pursue my interests in music and dance, but after two days I know that's hopeless, and I can already feel my spirit wilting like last week's flowers. Life is just going to be a slog, like pushing rocks through knee-deep mud, and any free time I ever have, I'll just spend weeping quietly."

The Ministry of Employment and Welfare has already responded to the increase. "The government will encourage companies to hire year-round, rather than only in April," explained Karoshi. "That way, the spike will disappear, which will mean young people must have become happier."

New Law Outlaws Spring Weather Complaints

A new bill was passed into law yesterday, making it an offence to complain about the weather between February 1st and May 30th each year. Offenders will face up to three years in prison, or deportation if they are foreign residents or visitors from overseas.

Proposing lawmaker Haru Daisuki explained to In Other News the rationale behind the Protection of National Cultural Identity (Spring Weather) Act. "Spring is the season of cherry blossoms, a treasured week in Japan," he said. "To suggest that the other three months of spring are imperfect is a vicious assault on the heart of the nation, and would be so even if it were ever cold and rainy, which never happens."

The weather in spring, every day, every year

One Saitama resident has already been detained by the Season Police under the new law, after being overhead allegedly muttering "samui" ("it's cold") on a snowbound station platform. He has been moved to an undisclosed location after an angry mob formed outside the station, chanting "Traitor! Traitor!" from under their umbrellas.

Rail Operator Hires Gropers as Platform Staff

In a move which has polarised opinion among industry observers, nationwide rail operator Speedy Rail is targeting gropers to recruit as platform staff at its 385 stations. They aim to have at least one groper on duty at every station by the end of the quarter.

New recruits at work yesterday

Company spokeswoman Chika Nagogo explained the policy at a press conference yesterday. "These employees are happier to work unsocial hours than those with family commitments," she said. "They're also very familiar with schedules and with platform and train layouts, particularly the location of the women-only cars."

The company has been quick to address concerns about the security of female passengers. "These recruits can be identified by special large padded gloves," explained Ms Nagogo, "which have tight wristbands to reduce sensation in the hands and make groping less rewarding. The gloves also are less uncomfortable for passengers being pushed into a full train."

Japan Calls For Worldwide Tattoo Ban, Cites "Insult to Culture"

The Japanese government submitted a resolution to the United Nations yesterday, intended to secure the closure of every tattoo parlour in the world outside Japan, and to outlaw the wearing of tattoos by non-Japanese. The resolution will be debated at a special session to be held next week.

The reasons for the move were set out in a press statement, which said, "A study by the University of Great Japan has established that all tattooing activity across the world is an attack on our ancient civilization.

"People with tattoos even have the arrogance to visit Japan, an absolute affront to the highly developed sensitivities of the Japanese people. Since our purpose in joining the UN was to advance Japanese interests, it's only proper that we use this forum to repel this assault."

Tattoo taboo: heroically resisting evil tattoo culture

Some owners of tattoo parlours have already expressed readiness to comply if the resolution is passed. "They've totally got me," said Duane Harley, 53, owner of Kapow! Tattoos in Prairie Dust Junction, Montana. "The only reason I opened was to insult Japan and its people, the same as every other tattoo artist I know. We all screen customers carefully to make sure their only motivation for getting a tattoo is a deep-rooted desire to offend Japanese culture and tradition, and I also give a discount to anyone planning to visit Japan and aggravate the locals."

Lawmakers contacted by In Other News are hopeful that the resolution will be passed smoothly. This would pave the way for the submission of future resolutions to tackle other anti-Japanese behaviour such as dyeing hair, refusing to wear surgical masks, and being tall.

Government Revises Target for Setting Targets

The government announced yesterday a downward revision of the number of arbitrary targets it aims to set this fiscal year. Instead of the initial target of 74, the new goal for target-setting is 22, a reduction of some 70%.

The reasons for this move were explained at a press conference held at the Diet. "Setting 74 targets which we have no intention of meeting would oblige us to explain a great deal of inaction," said Chief Cabinet Secretary Kenta Yura, "which would be a waste of taxpayers' money. This lower figure means there's much less action to avoid, and since this is a new target, it counts itself towards the revised goal."

Hooray! A target being met yesterday

Some political observers have reacted cynically, suggesting that the adjustment is simply a ploy to ensure that the target is met. If the goal of 22 is reached, then the government will have met its target of five consecutive years of meeting the target-setting target.

Gaijin Apocalypse Starts: Babies Eaten Nationwide

Terror struck Japan yesterday as the long-feared 'Gaijin Apocalypse' began, with foreigners across the nation grabbing and eating babies to satisfy their insatiable foreign thirst for baby flesh.

Some gaijin have been captured alive, and have spoken about their depraved non-Japanese actions to the media. "I just couldn't help it," said Mark Redditch, 26, a recruiter based in Saitama, fresh blood still dripping from his chin. "I was just riding on the train back from work, then my true foreign nature suddenly took me over, and I felt compelled to grab and eat the first baby I saw."

A gaijin eating a baby yesterday

These shocking events have come as no surprise to some local observers. Gunma-based blogger Shinta Ishibara, 56, said, "I've been writing for years that it was inevitable that foreigners would one day embark on an orgy of baby-eating, but the liberal do-gooders just wouldn't listen. I hope the sight of baby-crazed gaijin gnawing on babies' tender arms makes them think twice."

A state of emergency has been declared, and families are advised to stay indoors as hordes of marauding baby-eating gaijin roam the streets. The Self-Defence Force have been deployed to maternity hospitals and pre-schools, with instructions to shoot on sight anyone who looks a bit foreign.

First Cats, Then Rabbits, Now Gaijin Cafe to Open

Following the success of cat cafes, owl cafes and rabbit cafes, Tokyo's first "gaijin cafe" is to open tomorrow in Shibuya. Customers will be able to enjoy drinks, snacks and light meals while interacting with tame gaijin, or just watching them at play.

Owner Haruka Watabe is confident that the venture will be a success. "I can guarantee a safe and relaxing experience for customers at Happy Gaijin House," she said at yesterday's opening party. "Our gaijin have been selected carefully and trained to be comfortable around Japanese people, and customers will be free to have as much or as little direct contact as they want."

Asked about ethical concerns, she said "We're absolutely committed to the wellbeing of our gaijin. They'll be provided with spacious living quarters, and a special diet to ensure they're content and well fed."

There's already a good deal of interest in the cafe. Housewife Kana Watanabe, 33, said "I'm planning to take my four-year-old daughter there, so she can see how cute gaijin are in real life, and maybe even touch one." Junior manager Tatsuya Mochizuki, 45, told us, "I'll probably go there after work sometime. After a ten-hour work day, it'll be relaxing to see their happy little faces as they frolic with their toys."

Watabe is hoping that customers will not only have fun with gaijin, however, but will also come to see them differently. "Through contact with the gaijin, I hope people will recognise that they all have their own individual personalities," she said. "Then they can learn to respect them as the unique creatures that they are."

Japan Olympic Committee Celebrates 600% Budget Overshoot

Cheers rang around the offices of the Japan Olympic Committee yesterday, when it was announced that the cost of hosting the 2020 Tokyo Olympic games would exceed the initially stated budget by only 600%.

A spokesman for the JOC told a press conference, "We're very pleased at having been able to keep costs so low. Our initial plans allowed for an overshoot of up to 900%, so we're actually 50% within target, a splendid achievement."

As a reward for this restraint in spending, the JOC executive will be embarking on a chartered three-week Caribbean cruise, along with their families and those of the heads of the construction companies and yakuza syndicates providing infrastructure for the games. The cruise will feature 24-hour cabaret, a swimming pool filled with champagne and scattered with orchid leaves and ostrich feathers, and a casino funded entirely by Tokyo residents' tax.