Japan Calls For Worldwide Tattoo Ban, Cites "Insult to Culture"

The Japanese government submitted a resolution to the United Nations yesterday, intended to secure the closure of every tattoo parlour in the world outside Japan, and to outlaw the wearing of tattoos by non-Japanese. The resolution will be debated at a special session to be held next week.

The reasons for the move were set out in a press statement, which said, "A study by the University of Great Japan has established that all tattooing activity across the world is an attack on our ancient civilization.

"People with tattoos even have the arrogance to visit Japan, an absolute affront to the highly developed sensitivities of the Japanese people. Since our purpose in joining the UN was to advance Japanese interests, it's only proper that we use this forum to repel this assault."

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Some owners of tattoo parlours have already expressed readiness to comply if the resolution is passed. "They've totally got me," said Duane Harley, 53, owner of Kapow! Tattoos in Prairie Dust Junction, Montana. "The only reason I opened was to insult Japan and its people, the same as every other tattoo artist I know. We all screen customers carefully to make sure their only motivation for getting a tattoo is a deep-rooted desire to offend Japanese culture and tradition, and I also give a discount to anyone planning to visit Japan and aggravate the locals."

Lawmakers contacted by In Other News are hopeful that the resolution will be passed smoothly. This would pave the way for the submission of future resolutions to tackle other anti-Japanese behaviour such as dyeing hair, refusing to wear surgical masks, and being tall.