As usual, companies across the nation this month will be welcoming thousands of fresh-faced recruits, and subjecting them to several weeks of intensive training in all aspects of the business, then some hazing. Mitsoniba Corp. will be going one step further, though, and will be providing training in how best to behave at the after-work drinking parties which are an integral part of corporate life.
'This is a neglected area of business practice,' said Shinichi Nomihoudai, head of Mitsoniba's party training division. 'We hope to set the standard for educating staff in how to maintain their decorum when they're so drunk they start hitting on vending machines.'
The training will cover timing of trips to the toilet, when (and how) it's acceptable to insult the
boss, and how to appear sober when hallucinating, vomiting, or hallucinating vomiting.
'Corporations rely on their employees to make a good impression at every moment of their lives,' explained Nomihoudai. 'Research has shown that consumers are less likely to buy products from a company whose staff are routinely found face down in rancid pools of their own carroty vomit. Or their colleagues' vomit. Anyone's vomit, really.'
As well as vomit-dodging, to be coached with an ingenious fusion of dodgeball and paintball, staff will be taught how to limit the diameter of their platform pizzas by narrowing their mouths at the appropriate time, and the correct angle at which to bow when vomiting off a station platform.
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