Mandatory Red Noses For Foreigners In Japan

From Monday next week, all foreign residents and visitors in Japan are to be required to wear big bright red noses. Failure to wear the noses will incur an on-the-spot fine, or one week in prison.

A foreigner yesterday

The government explained the new regulation at a press conference yesterday. Insularity Ministry spokesman Akano Hana said, "We feel this is an important step for Japanese cultural unity. Both foreigners and Japanese people alike need to remember that foreigners are curiosities, and big clown noses will make sure everyone knows. Do you see what I did there?"

Perhaps surprisingly, some Japanese citizens are opposed. Saitama retiree Sabetsu Oyaji, 76, told In Other News "I don't like it. With my eyesight, I might mistake a foreigner for the Japanese flag. I wouldn't want to bow to a foreigner by mistake."

Another foreigner

However, at least one expatriate welcomes the news. Kansas native Crazy O'Zany, 26, co-presenter of TV show "Happy English Fun Time", told us, "This is great news for me! I have a bright red nose anyway, from the amount of bourbon I drink to forget the existential cancer gnawing at my soul every waking moment, so it'll, what was the question?"

The noses cost JPY500 each, and are available for purchase at airports and immigration offices across Japan. Since Japan has four seasons, the design and shade will change every three months.