Big Bunch of Keys Voted Mens' Best Feature

According to the results of a poll of young women taken by the National Institute of Research, the feature they find most attractive in a man is a big bunch of keys. Fully 85% chose this as the top option, compared with just 9% opting for sense of humour, and 3% for career.

Kagi Mitai, a student at Tokyo Happy University, said "I don't care about a man's looks or personality. Only his keys are interesting." Her friend Ooka Gisuki added, "The bigger and janglier a man's bunch of keys, the more I'll like him. Keys are so important in a man."

A superfly guy showing off what makes him cool

This result is borne out by anecdotal evidence from men. Tomohiro Daikagi, 22, told In Other News "I never used to have any luck with women, despite my nice parting and expensive fake glasses, but as soon as I hung a big load of keys from my belt, I had women chasing me down the street. And as I ran, the jangling just attracted the attention of more women, but I'm pretty unfit, so they could catch me easily."

Results of the surveys taken of middle-aged and elderly women showed similar surprising results, with middle-aged women most impressed by a plaid shirt buttoned up to the collar, and elderly women taken by a barcode comb-over fluttering gracefully in the spring winds.

Yakuza Graduate Interns Start Training

Nagoya yakuza syndicate Yamakawa-Gumi announced yesterday that it has accepted as interns thirty new graduates from local universities, who will gain hands-on experience in all aspects of organized crime. The placements will last for six months, with possible extensions depending on performance, and the possibility of permanent employment for outstanding students.

This change in recruitment strategy was explained at a press conference yesterday. "The declining birthrate has led to a smaller pool of potential recruits," said spokesman Mujaki Shinda in the syndicate's media center. "Fortunately, our colleagues in the American banking industry were able to engineer a global economic downturn, leading now to fewer opportunities for new graduates in the vanilla economy."

An intern training in negotiation skills

The interns are all enthusiastic about the opportunities. Asana Kurokawa, a liberal arts major from Kobe Happy University, said "This will be a great way to learn quickly the skills I'll need for work at a large corporation, such as enduring power harassment and suppressing my personal ethics."

If the program is successful, the syndicate plans to continue taking on graduates. "We're confident that some of the interns will pass probation and become full-time members," said Shinda. "And we've already applied to have booths at next year's university recruitment fairs, at a discounted rate, if they value their buildings."

Rate of Death of Youthful Dreams Reaches New High

In the first week of April every year, when new graduates enter the workforce at their companies, there's a customary spike in the mortality rate of youthful dreams.

Even this early in the month, however, the Bureau of Statistics has announced that this rate has reached a new high. For every 100,000 graduates starting employment, the number realizing that their futures hold nothing but soul-eroding drudgery is 17,844, an increase of 219 from last year.

Two men about to spend their entire lives in futile corporate servitude

Bureau officials believe that the internet is partly responsible for the rise. "The spread of social media has made it difficult for companies to effectively conceal the reality of working life," sad BoS clerk Haru Karoshi. "It's easy for new employees to learn from old hands that working life will be an inescapable cycle of long routine days and insufficent sleep, exhausting their will to live before they reach 25."

This is borne out by anecdotal evidence from companies. Kanago Nao, a recent graduate from Nagoya Happiness University, told In Other News, "I hoped that starting work would give me the time and money to pursue my interests in music and dance, but after two days I know that's hopeless, and I can already feel my spirit wilting like last week's flowers. Life is just going to be a slog, like pushing rocks through knee-deep mud, and any free time I ever have, I'll just spend weeping quietly."

The Ministry of Employment and Welfare has already responded to the increase. "The government will encourage companies to hire year-round, rather than only in April," explained Karoshi. "That way, the spike will disappear, which will mean young people must have become happier."

New Law Outlaws Spring Weather Complaints

A new bill was passed into law yesterday, making it an offence to complain about the weather between February 1st and May 30th each year. Offenders will face up to three years in prison, or deportation if they are foreign residents or visitors from overseas.

Proposing lawmaker Haru Daisuki explained to In Other News the rationale behind the Protection of National Cultural Identity (Spring Weather) Act. "Spring is the season of cherry blossoms, a treasured week in Japan," he said. "To suggest that the other three months of spring are imperfect is a vicious assault on the heart of the nation, and would be so even if it were ever cold and rainy, which never happens."

The weather in spring, every day, every year

One Saitama resident has already been detained by the Season Police under the new law, after being overhead allegedly muttering "samui" ("it's cold") on a snowbound station platform. He has been moved to an undisclosed location after an angry mob formed outside the station, chanting "Traitor! Traitor!" from under their umbrellas.

Rail Operator Hires Gropers as Platform Staff

In a move which has polarised opinion among industry observers, nationwide rail operator Speedy Rail is targeting gropers to recruit as platform staff at its 385 stations. They aim to have at least one groper on duty at every station by the end of the quarter.

New recruits at work yesterday

Company spokeswoman Chika Nagogo explained the policy at a press conference yesterday. "These employees are happier to work unsocial hours than those with family commitments," she said. "They're also very familiar with schedules and with platform and train layouts, particularly the location of the women-only cars."

The company has been quick to address concerns about the security of female passengers. "These recruits can be identified by special large padded gloves," explained Ms Nagogo, "which have tight wristbands to reduce sensation in the hands and make groping less rewarding. The gloves also are less uncomfortable for passengers being pushed into a full train."

Japan Calls For Worldwide Tattoo Ban, Cites "Insult to Culture"

The Japanese government submitted a resolution to the United Nations yesterday, intended to secure the closure of every tattoo parlour in the world outside Japan, and to outlaw the wearing of tattoos by non-Japanese. The resolution will be debated at a special session to be held next week.

The reasons for the move were set out in a press statement, which said, "A study by the University of Great Japan has established that all tattooing activity across the world is an attack on our ancient civilization.

"People with tattoos even have the arrogance to visit Japan, an absolute affront to the highly developed sensitivities of the Japanese people. Since our purpose in joining the UN was to advance Japanese interests, it's only proper that we use this forum to repel this assault."

Tattoo taboo: heroically resisting evil tattoo culture

Some owners of tattoo parlours have already expressed readiness to comply if the resolution is passed. "They've totally got me," said Duane Harley, 53, owner of Kapow! Tattoos in Prairie Dust Junction, Montana. "The only reason I opened was to insult Japan and its people, the same as every other tattoo artist I know. We all screen customers carefully to make sure their only motivation for getting a tattoo is a deep-rooted desire to offend Japanese culture and tradition, and I also give a discount to anyone planning to visit Japan and aggravate the locals."

Lawmakers contacted by In Other News are hopeful that the resolution will be passed smoothly. This would pave the way for the submission of future resolutions to tackle other anti-Japanese behaviour such as dyeing hair, refusing to wear surgical masks, and being tall.

Government Revises Target for Setting Targets

The government announced yesterday a downward revision of the number of arbitrary targets it aims to set this fiscal year. Instead of the initial target of 74, the new goal for target-setting is 22, a reduction of some 70%.

The reasons for this move were explained at a press conference held at the Diet. "Setting 74 targets which we have no intention of meeting would oblige us to explain a great deal of inaction," said Chief Cabinet Secretary Kenta Yura, "which would be a waste of taxpayers' money. This lower figure means there's much less action to avoid, and since this is a new target, it counts itself towards the revised goal."

Hooray! A target being met yesterday

Some political observers have reacted cynically, suggesting that the adjustment is simply a ploy to ensure that the target is met. If the goal of 22 is reached, then the government will have met its target of five consecutive years of meeting the target-setting target.